Why You Fell for Her (and Why She Can Drive You Crazy)

Chemistry feels mysterious, but it follows a blueprint. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt call it your Imago: an unconscious picture of familiar love, drawn from the best and hardest qualities of the people who raised you. You go looking for that picture in a partner, which is why the person who feels most like home can also press on every old bruise.

The hopeful part: your Imago isn’t a design flaw. Your heart chooses someone who resembles your earliest hurts because it’s hoping to heal them this time. Once you understand your Imago, “Why do we keep having this fight?” becomes “Oh. That’s where this comes from.”

You might be curious about yours if:

• The qualities that first attracted you now drive you up a wall.
• Your partner’s frustration with you sounds strangely familiar.
• You’ve heard your mother’s words come out of your mouth. Aimed at your partner.

This free quiz helps you sketch the outline of your Imago: the traits you’re drawn to, the old hurts they may be touching, and what they reveal about what you need most. It takes about 5 minutes. Take it together, and you may discover your childhoods explain more about your arguments than either of you expected.