Three Essential Lesbian Relationship Goals for Lesbian Couples

Three Essential Lesbian Relationship Goals for Lesbian Couples

lesbian relationship goals, lesbian couple goals, lesbian goals




Start your relationship on the right foot with these three essential lesbian relationship goals. Much of what we learn in relationships comes from trial and error. However, there are also some great strategies that you can intentionally practice to increase your odds of a happy and satisfying relationship. These three lesbian relationship goals will get you headed in the right direction.

1. Seek Security Within Before Expecting it From a Relationship

Security is the result of accurately predicting what to expect from your partner and responding effectively to that which you are not anticipating. You will know that you are secure in your relationship with yourself when you have faith that no matter what life brings you, you will be able to make the next right choice to move you into a better place. Sometimes we are unable to predict what our partner will do, say, think or how she will behave because many variables in life are out of control for both of us. An unexpected accident on the interstate could make her late coming home from work. A canceled flight could prevent her from making it back in time for your birthday party. The key to finding security within is to have generally accurate predictions about what you can expect from your partner, and to allow room for logical and believable explanations when your predictions are off, or to respond with confidence when explanations are not believable.

On the other hand, when there is a lack of security within your self and within your relationship, the confidence that you can predict what to expect is replaced by expectations, demands, and a need for her to be a certain way, and do and say certain things, in order for you to feel safe with her. When you approach relationships from this perspective, you will notice yourself feeling more reactive, panicky, worried and angry when things do not go as you want. 

The best way to improve your sense of security is to recognize what is your business, or “in your lane,” and what is not. The only thing in this life that you can control or influence is that which is in your lane. Byron Katie, the author of Loving What Is, says all things in life fall in one of three categories: your business (what you can control), my business (what I can control), and the business of the universe or God (what is not controlled by humans).  When you get good at recognizing what is “my business,” you will feel increasingly more secure in this world. Insecurity stems from trying to control the uncontrollable. 


2. Maintain Your Interests, Hobbies, and Friendships

Maintaining friendships (with the exception of your ex), hobbies and interests are the second of three essential lesbian relationship goals. Because security is one of the most important things to women (not just lesbians) in relationships, women will often trade their independence for a sense of security. When this happens, the differentiation of who I am, and who you are, begin to breakdown and lesbian couples begin to think and operate very similarly, even if it is not authentically how each of them feels. This is referred to as “fusion,” or “merging,” and one of the adverse side effects of this is that there is not enough distance between partners to create the feeling of longing or desire. 

At the start of a relationship, you have the opportunity to see your partner from a distance, with more objectivity and curiosity. She is someone you want to know better. You are literally drawn to her, eager to move closer, closing the gap that exists when we do not know someone well.  You see her in HER environrment, doing her thing, being who she is – separate from you. I call this the desire gap. The desire gap is created by the independence you express in your relationship that produces enough distance, but not too much, between partners to generate a desire and longing for closeness. 

The instinct for lesbians is to bond rapidly, commit quickly, settle in and nest with her new partner, and to stop nurturing self-interests, hobbies, and friendships that are not shared. In time, this begins to close the desire gap, leaving little to no distance necessary for desire and longing. There must be a “you,” and there must be a “her,” separately, for you to experience desire for one another. It is difficult to generate longing and desire for a “we.”

If you are already in a relationship and have allowed your interests to fall away, you can make a movement toward this lesbian relationship goal by slowly returning to your natural interests and nurturing your friendships and hobbies. While you may be met with some resistance, suspicion or even anxiety at first, the benefits to you and your relationship, in the long run, are worth the discomfort involved in getting to this point. 


3. Allowing Emotional Wiggle Room

The third of three essential lesbian relationship goals is allowing. I call this giving one another the emotional wiggle room to have feelings without having to process and rid oneself of them immediately. In my work with lesbian couples over the past two decades, I have noticed a recurring pattern of aversion to any form of negative emotion among lesbians, whether it is directed toward a partner or elsewhere. 

In the presence of strong negative emotions, lesbian partners will often respond in one of two ways:

1) efforts to minimize or fix the negative feelings by acquiescing to what she believes her partner wants; or defensiveness and;

2) personalization of the negative emotions that can result in an extended conflict, brooding by one partner, or a hard withdrawal by both partners.

None of these responses offers the partner with the original feelings the time or space to process her experience and allow her emotions to run their course, or the opportunity to be understood by her partner for how she is feeling.

Interestingly, commonly cited research, by John Gottman, reports that during fights gay and lesbian couples take things less personally than heterosexual couples. This is not consistent with my experience in working with lesbian couples for the past two decades. In fact, it is quite common for women in relationships with women to take very personally all of the comments made by her partner, and for the two of them to spend countless hours processing these hurt feelings. I am inclined to think that the sample of only 12 lesbian couples in Gottman’s study is not large enough to accurately describe the common lesbian relationship experience. 

Women are emotionally attuned to one another more intensely than other couple pairings that involve men (gay or heterosexual). While emotional awareness and attunement to one another is generally a very positive relationship characteristic, there are times when it can create obstacles and limit emotional wiggle room in the context of relationships. To strengthen your ability to allow your partner emotional wiggle room, begin to notice when you are responding to her mood and not her words. If you find yourself wanting to ask, “what’s wrong?” or to “fix” her mood by pleasing her, instead, extend an invitation to talk when and if she wishes to. You might say, “Seems like something’s on your mind. I’m here if you want to talk about it.” If she says, “I’m fine,” and her body language screams “My mouth is saying I am fine, but I am not fine,” it is important to honor her words and let her come to you if she decides to. Your anxiety will make this difficult. Tend to your own feelings in these moments instead of hers, and see what a difference that makes.

More article by Michele O’Mara, PhD, LCSW

How to make relationships work when you have no common interests

5 Common Issues for Lesbian Couples

How to learn what your relationship imago is


❤️ Michele O’Mara, LCSW, Ph.D. is an expert lesbian relationship coach with a comfortable obsession with all things related to love and relationships between women. She is particularly fascinated by lesbian couples in blended families, issues of infidelity, lesbian sexuality, and recovery from lesbian breakups. She is the author of Just Ask: 1,000 Questions to Grow Your Relationship, which is available in paperback or Kindle on Amazon, as well as an app on Itunes /Google play. Lastly, she and her wife Kristen host Lesbian Couples Retreats in various destinations, and you can learn more about those here.

Lesbian Foreplay:  Part 1 of 2

Lesbian Foreplay: Part 1 of 2

I don’t hear much talk about lesbian foreplay.


I’ve certainly heard my share of people ask, “How do lesbians have sex?” And, I know there is plenty of interest in lesbian sex advice, and tips for lesbian sex, but I can’t recall one question, ever, about lesbian forplay, or advice for better foreplay, etc.

Typically, people tend to think of foreplay as the activities leading up to “intercourse,” which, of course is defined as the whole penis-in-the-vagina thing.  It makes sense that that this langdefinition is not functional for lesbian foreplay.

Defining Lesbian Foreplay

I wonder if this stems from the confusion about what lesbian sex is.  Do you think that lesbian sex and foreplay are often considered the same thing???  I hope not.  And, to be sure, I’m going to write about it today.  Here’s my definition of foreplay: the intentional pursuit of sexual and romantic excitement and pleasure without the immediate goal of an orgasm.  Play is the focal point; the best part of the word foreplay.  Play is simply any activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.  Foreplay is essentially, for-play, something done simply for enjoyment.

lesbian foreplay

Double Your Pleasure

When you take time to play, before you engage the pursuit of an orgasm, you can double your pleasure.  Not only are you multiplying the amount of enjoyable sensations you experience through intimate touch during foreplay, you are likely to also experience a much stronger and more satisfying orgasm when that time arrives.  And, who doesn’t want that?  Lesbian foreplay is a process of discovery, and there is no “right” way to go about this, there is only the way that works best for her.  The fun part is in the discovery.

Do you know where the most sensitive and pleasing (non-genital) area is on your lover’s body?  There is no universal answer.  What is arousing to one lover may be annoying to another. If not, I think you’ll find this article worth reading.

Embrace Vulnerability

Interestingly, foreplay often involves a higher level of vulnerability than the task oriented business of genital stimulation.  Foreplay is like bringing together different instruments and making up music as you go.  There is no particular goal or destination, it is a process.  With foreplay, we are exploring, experimenting, testing, tempting, toying, enticing, inviting, pausing, allowing, withholding, and slowly, playfully, enjoyably, building the sexual tension to heights that can no longer be tolerated. Sometimes we try things that don’t go well.  Sometimes we create awkward situations and maybe even make a mess if you involve food or oils, etc.  It doesn’t matter.  It is all a part of the perfect imperfection of learning to love and be loved  a little bit better each time you venture into this wonderful land of lesbian foreplay.

If you are enjoying the experience, you are on the right track.  It is a real turn-on to have a partner who sees your body as a source of great pleasure for her.  Get out of your mind, and into your body – feel your way through this experience and stay present to how her body is responding to your touch, and how your body feels with her touches.  If it feels good to you as you are touching her, it is likely to also feel good to her.  Foreplay is about synchronizing yourself with your partner, finding a rhythm and flow that works for both of you.

Though making love can occur in many different ways, most of which are not even sexual in nature, like expressing kindness, curiosity, understanding, compassion, and everyday care for our partner.  Foreplay is the touching, talking, and interacting that precedes direct genital stimulation or other activities typically involved in the pursuit of an orgasm.  Making love actually starts long before you enter the bedroom (or other love-making destination).


A clever spin on the word foreplay is choreplay, which highlights the importance of pleasing your partner in non-sexual ways (like doing chores) to create the mood.  One of the challenges for lesbians is in the initiation of intimacy, and the sooner you get started – say, when you wake up, the better!

  • Flattering.  Lesbian foreplay can start with words.  The more flattering, the better.  You look sexy in those jeans.  I love the way that shirt hugs your breasts.  I love how your face looks without makeup – you’re so naturally beautiful.  Say the kind things that naturally cross your mind.  Flatter her.
  • Flirtation. Wink.  Smile.  Ask her to dance while you’re cooking with her in the kitchen.  Make up songs about her and sing them to her.  Tickle, play, wrestle, or rough house with her (unless that makes her mad… it can have an undesired effect on some women).
  • Have fun.  Make her laugh.  Be silly, spontaneous, joyful, and playful.  Role play, pretend you are strangers just meeting.
  • Nurture her.  Comb her hair.  Give her a massage.  Bathe each other.

Consider the 5 Senses

When you think about stimulating your partner, consider the senses that she enjoys most.  Is she moved by music, excited by new tastes, moaning for more touch when you give her affection, delighting in your scent or the smell of a new candle, or is she drawn to the aesthetics of things, noticing color, shape and design?  Notice what lights up her senses and explore new ways to introduce her to a new sensation.

  1. Sight:  blindfolding will enhance all other senses, leave an erotic letter for your partner to find and read during her day, extended eye contact – gazing, not staring, send sensual pics of yourself to her, dress in ways that highlight the parts of your body that turn her on
  2. Sounds: read to each other, heavy breathing, moans, sighs, mood-setting music, whisper in her ear
  3. Smell: fresh shower/bath smell, candles, lotions, perfumes, natural scent, fresh breath, know what your partner likes,  Ylang Ylang, Jasmine and Sandalwood are all well known for setting the mood and stimulating our sex drive,
  4. Touch:  kitchen dancing, textiles, satins, cottons, silks, latex, (temperature – hot breath against skin, ice cube melting in mouth while kissing a sensitive body part),  sensual bath, wash each other.
  5. Taste:  cooking together, intimate meal, food, feeding each other, lip gloss.


Stay tuned for the part-2 post tomorrow on “The 11 Erogenous Zones from Her Head to Her Toes (literally).”


If your lesbian sex life has fallen off the grid, which sometimes happens, one of the first things to try is just doing it.  Literally just restart.  If you are struggling with feeling like she’s more like a sister than a lover, or you feel like your resentments grown too high, or perhaps you’ve experienced trust issues that leave you feeling too hurt to be that vulnerable, you may want to consider attending my Lesbian Couples Workshop for a jump-start on your relationship.