Lesbian Bed Death Meaning and History

Lesbian Bed Death Meaning and History

Lesbian Bed Death Meaning and History

Is the death bed really a thing for lesbian couples?

 

lesbian bed death, death bed, lesbian sex quiz, lesbian death bedWhat is lesbian bed death?

When I first heard this term, I associated its meaning with violence (like a lesbian killing her partner in bed) and death (or a lesbian dying in bed). Yes, pretty concrete of me. I share this in case you have had a similar thought run through your head. Fortunately, lesbian bed death has nothing to do with lesbians killing or lesbians dying in bed.

It’s a strange, but sticky phrase that dates back to the ’80s. While it is not clear when and precisely where or by whom the term was created, there is a long and winding journey (which I traced while working on my Ph.D. dissertation on lesbian sexuality) that reveals the history and development of this phrase.

Admittedly, for some, this part of this article will be too much (boring) information and you may wish to skip to learning how often lesbians report having sex.

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Where it all started

In 1983, a research study was published that identified lesbian couples as the least sexual couple pairing (Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein). This research led to more research which further confirmed that lesbians were not only having less sex than other couples, they were also experiencing a more rapid and dramatic drop in sexual frequency as their relationships continued (Loulan 1984). Soon, these statistics were broadcast in the media and just like that, a narrative of lesbians as non-sexual started to coalesce in our culture. And, it still lingers in our collective conscience today.

The three-word phrase that captured the essence of this emerging concept of lesbians having infrequent sexual activity, combined with a rapid decline in sexual frequency in long-term relationships is lesbian bed death (LBD).

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Lesbian Bed Death Meaning

Lesbian Bed Death describes a phenomenon in which lesbian couples experience a comparatively lower rate of sexual frequency as well as a rapid decline in sexual frequency the longer they are coupled.

Who coined the phrase lesbian bed death?

 Three women are most commonly credited for the phrase, lesbian bed death: researcher and co-author of the book American Couples, Pepper Schwartz;  author of Lesbian Sex  (1984) Joann Loulan; and famous lesbian comedian Kate Clinton.  

When American Couples was published in 1983, it provided a credible source to describe lesbians as less sexually active than other couple pairs. How they arrived at this conclusion was through a massive study of 12,000 couples, in which Schwartz and Blumstein explored the behaviors of four couple pairings: married, co-habitating (heterosexuals), gay males and lesbian couples. Lesbians were identified as the pairing with the lowest rates of sexual frequency. When I asked Dr. Schwartz if she coined the phrase lesbian bed death in response to their research, she said, “It is attributed to me—people I know say I said it—but I never wrote it. Sadly, I have no memory about it—so I can’t deny or confirm!”

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Shortly after American Couples was published, Joann Loulan authored Lesbian Sex in 1984. In a conversation with Loulan, she shared with me, “I did not coin the phrase Lesbian Bed Death.” She explained, “I used it frequently, but of course my life was (and is) trying to make that change within the lesbian community and make sex sexy again.” 

The last source credited for this phrase, Kate Clinton, also denied creating this unflattering narrative. She did, however, joke that rather than a same-sex relationship, she often joked that lesbians have a “some sex relationship.” Clinton led me to LGBT advocate Sue Hyde and her partner Jade McGleughlin. Sue Hyde thought her partner, Jade McGleughlin, was the one who captured the “entire phenomenon of decreasing lesbian sex activity in long term couples” into the well-known phrase in 1985 or so.  In a conversation with Jade McGleughlin, however, she said she believed the phrase “coalesced spontaneously among a group of lesbians for whom it captured an experience particular to that moment.”

This is consistent with Sue Moir, another lesbian whose name surfaced during my search for the roots of LBD, who said she heard this phrase “at a dyke gabfest in Newton,” and shared it with McGleughlin. McGleughlin was working on a Master’s thesis at the time on the topic of lesbian bed death. While she didn’t coin the phrase, she said she viewed herslf as a messenger. During the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, McGleughlin gave a speech during the Sex and Politics Forum. Sue Moir was there, and Moir said, “I can tell you it was the first time that the audience had heard it [lesbian bed death].”

The timing of McGleughlin’s speech also coincided with the lesbian sexuality research (Schwartz and Blumstein 1983, Loulan 1984, 1987) at the time, which became an accelerant for the spread of the LBD message. Ultimately, Lesbian Bed Death took on a new and unintended meaning that gave shape to lesbian sexuality as inferior, and in some way doomed. McGleughlin expressed regret about the impact of this phrase. In her opinion, the phrase “collapsed the complexity of lesbian sexuality,” and what might otherwise have been a historical phenomenon became a “condensation” and “condemnation” of lesbian sexuality. Ultimately, it took a village of lesbians to create a shared narrative about the experience of declining sexual activity in lesbian relationships and this message spread like wildfire across the United States.

Three women are commonly credited with the phrase lesbian bed death.

Pepper Schwartz, Co-Author of American Couples

“It is attributed to me—people I know say I said it—but I never wrote it. Sadly, I have no memory about it—so I can’t deny or confirm!”

Joann Loulan, author of Lesbian Sex

“I did not coin the phrase Lesbian Bed Death.” She admitted, “I used it frequently, but of course my life was (and is) trying to make that change within the lesbian community and make sex sexy again.”

Kate Clinton, Lesbian Comedian

Always the comedian, Clinton joked that lesbians aren’t in a same-sex relationships, they are in a “some-sex relationships.”

Sexual Frequency of Lesbians

Until the 80’s lesbians were judged negatively if they had sex with women. Therefore, as lesbian bed death gained some traction, and the collective conscious shifted, it was an ironic flip of the script when lesbians were being judged for not having enough sex with women. Go figure! Most of the research between the 80’s and 2010 (when I conducted my own research) was consistently reporting lower levels of sexual frequency for lesbians than other couple pairings. 

I was also seeing lesbian couples in my private practice who were reporting low levels of sexual activity. Same-sex female couples would report having minimal and sometimes no sexual activity for years. This was a key motivation for my return to school in 2010 to get my PhD in Clinical Sexology. I wanted to understand lesbian sexuality better, therefore, the focus of my research was lesbian sexual frequency and how this affects lesbian relationship satisfaction.

I conducted my research with 498 lesbians. Using a snowball approach to finding lesbians, I started with the large sample of lesbians I knew from providing same-sex couples counseling to females for over a decade. With the help of social media, the initial group of lebians I contacted were able to then reach out to other lesbians across the United States to create a wider-reaching sample. Lesbians from most states were represented, and 

This is what I learned:

  • 12% reported having no sex in the last six months
  • 37% reported having sex once or less per month
  • 20% report having sex 2-3 x’s per month
  • 27% report having sex 1- 3 x’s weekly
  • 5% report having sex 5 or more times weekly

Sexual Frequency of Lesbians Based on Age

Age

4+ x’s
Per Week

1-3 x’s
Per Week

2-3 x’s
Per Month

1x Monthly
or Less

1x weekly or more

< 21 Years (n=6)

17%

17%

33%

33%

34%

21-30 Years (n=50)

10%

38%

18%

34%

48%

31-40 Years (n=127)

6%

28%

20%

47%d

34%

41-50 Years (n=169)

4%

27%

24%

44%

31%

51-60 Years (n=72)

6%

15%

17%

63%

21%

60 + Years (n=15)

7%

7%

13%

73%

14%

(Percentages reflect sexual frequencies per age group and n=lesbians per age )

Summary of Sexual Frequency of Lesbians Based on Age

As might be expected, lesbians in their 20’s report the greatest frequency of sexual activity, followed by women in their 30’s. There is a minimal decline in reported sexual frequency for women in their 40’s and the most significant drop occurs with lesbians once they turn 50. Because 51 is the average age of menopause, and menopause is known to affect women’s libido, the 10% drop in sexual frequency that is reported by women in their 50’s is not a shocking discovery. 

What is important about sexual frequency is whether or not you are happy and satisfied with your sexual relationship with your partner. There is no right amount of sex that anyone “should” be having, regardless of your sexual orientation. Sex is personal, and it plays a different role in the lives of different women. The key is to understand what sex means to you, what sex means to your partner or wife, and to maintain open communication about your respective needs, and how each of you can get your needs met in your relationship. 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michele O’Mara, LCSW, Ph.D. is an expert lesbian relationship coach and psychotherapist with a comfortable obsession with all things related to love and relationships between women. She is particularly fascinated by lesbian couples in blended families, issues of infidelity, lesbian sexuality, and recovery from lesbian breakups. She is the author of Just Ask: 1,000 Questions to Grow Your Relationship, which is available in paperback or Kindle on Amazon, as well as an app on Itunes /Google play. As a side-hobby, she operates a quirky site called “AskLesbians.com” where she randomly polls lesbians to satisfy the quirkiest of curiosities. Lastly, she and her wife Kristen host Lesbian Couples Retreats in various destinations, and you can learn more about those at lesbiancouples.co.

This article is an adaption of Chapter Six of a dissertation written by Michele O'Mara, PhD. Tap here t read the entire dissertation in a pdf format.

Strategy One for a Happy Lesbian Relationship: Accept Yourself

Strategy One for a Happy Lesbian Relationship: Accept Yourself

Strategy One for a Happy Lesbian Relationship: Accept Yourself

One of the most important ways to build a strong foundation for your rhappy lesbian relationshipelationship is self-acceptance.  This is not limited to lesbian couples.  It also applies to heterosexual couples, and mixed orientation couples, poly folks, and biracial couples.  Having a strong happy relationship requires that both partners to the relationship nurture their most outstanding self.  This begins with self-acceptance.

In non-traditional relationships, there is a higher potential for societal rejection, social disapproval and family or parental disappointment.  Therefore, it is essential to accept yourself as a lesbian before you can expect others to accept this about you.  We teach others how to treat us.

To be accepted, we must accept ourselves, our choices, and our relationship.  Every choice you make that discounts your relationship will chip away at its integrity, one piece at a time. You cannot, for example, create a happy lesbian relationship if you are not comfortable in your lesbian skin.

If you don’t accept yourself and your attractions to members of the same-sex, then you are at a very high risk of eventually rejecting the one you love because he or she represents what you are not able to accept about yourself. As is true for other relationship configurations.

We cannot build a strong foundation of love on fear and self-loathing.

52 Strategies for a Happy Lesbian Relationship

52 Strategies for a Happy Lesbian Relationship

Building a Happy Lesbian*** Relationship

Building a happy relationship is a conscious effort.  It doesn’t just happen.  This does not mean it has to be work, or it has to be hard.  Ideally, it will not be super hard, especially if you are smart.  This Happy Relationship Series is designed to help you increase your Relationship IQ.  Look for a new strategy, lesson, or concept every week.

Love is a given.  

(***Note:  Because I work with more lesbian couples than heterosexual couples, do not be fooled by my emphasis on lesbian relationships.  I am speaking to all couples.  It’s just that, rather than have lesbians adapt to hetero-focused language to fit their relationship, I am offering heterosexuals an opportunity to have fun with this process of substitution and adapting during this series, which my blog series:  52 Strategies to Build a Happy Lesbian Relationship.)

Love is not a  strategy for a happy relationship, it is essential.  Love is to a relatiohappy lesbian relationshipnship what lungs are to a human body.  If you expect to have a healthy human body, you assume it comes equipped with lungs.  Love comes standardly with relationships.  This is not something to learn, strive for or improve.  It just is.

How you exercise love, the way you use love for good, and your ability to express your love, now that’s a whole other story.  One we will explore over the upcoming weeks and months.

Whether you are a heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or mixed orientation couple, this information will speak to you.  Relationships can vary greatly, yet some of the most essential ingredients to a happy relationship apply to all couples.

Cheers to building strong happy relationship building muscles!

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