Blue, my car, was like a relationship I once had. She was a good car in many ways, but ultimately not the right fit for me.

At some point, I realized that my job was at risk because my car, Blue, wasn’t reliable enough. I had to find a way to afford a more dependable vehicle, which was a strain on my budget. At first, I didn’t want to let go of Blue. I also feared that if I traded her in, I might not be able to find a better vehicle.

Change is scary, even when it is necessary and good.

Relationships and vehicles share a common purpose: to get us where we want to go in life. I believe that relationships are designed to help us become the best possible version of ourselves. But in order for our relationships to help us achieve this, we need to have clarity on our destination and what our best self looks like. Without this clarity, our relationships may lead us down a path that’s misaligned with our true desires and values.

I wanted Blue to take me to work.  She didn’t want to. Or maybe she just couldn’t.  Either way, I wasn’t getting to work on time.

Imagine an empty bucket sitting between you and your partner, representing your relationship. The contents of this bucket are defined by the tangible and intangible contributions each partner makes, such as energy, resources, and time. What you can expect to receive from your relationship correlates directly to what is given by both you and your partner. If one of you is passionate, you’ll have passion to draw from your relationship. If one of you is fun and spontaneous, you’ll have good times to enjoy together. However, if one of you isn’t contributing in a certain area, don’t count on receiving it from your relationship. Ultimately, what you put into the bucket is what you’ll get out of it.

When it comes to working on our relationships, we are all affected by two things:  who is doing the work and how much work must be done

1. What is the work to be done?

In every relationship, there are certain areas that require effort and attention from both partners. These may include communication, intimacy, trust, shared interests, and support during challenging times. It’s important to have a shared understanding of what areas need work in order for the relationship to thrive. Both partners must be willing to put in the work required to address these areas and make progress towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

However, it’s also important to recognize that some work can only be done by one partner. For example, if one partner struggles with trust issues due to past experiences, it may be their responsibility to work through these issues with a therapist or counselor. It’s important for each partner to take ownership of the work that they need to do individually in order to contribute to the relationship as a whole.

2. Who is willing to do the work?

It’s important to recognize that some partners may not be willing or interested in doing the work necessary to improve the relationship. In some cases, one partner may expect the other to change or make all the necessary adjustments without being willing to do the same themselves. This can lead to frustration and resentment, and may ultimately make the relationship unsustainable.

It’s important to have open and honest communication with your partner about the changes that need to be made in the relationship, and to determine whether both of you are willing to put in the effort to make those changes. If one partner is resistant to change, it’s important to assess whether the relationship is worth continuing, especially if the same issues keep arising despite efforts to resolve them. Ultimately, a healthy relationship requires both partners to be committed to growth and improvement, and to be willing to put in the work to make that happen.

In the end, my experience with Blue taught me valuable lessons about relationships. Like cars, relationships can be both reliable and unpredictable. Sometimes, even when we put in our best efforts, things don’t work out the way we want them to. It’s important to acknowledge when something isn’t working and to take responsibility for our part in it.

Furthermore, relationships are not a means to an end; they are not just about getting what we want. Rather, they are a journey of growth and self-discovery, where we learn about ourselves and each other. It’s crucial to know what we want and who we are before committing to a relationship, so that we don’t end up trying to change someone who isn’t interested in changing or sacrificing our own needs and desires.

Regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, we must address our own personal issues and work on ourselves, so that we can be the best version of ourselves for our own sake and for the sake of any future relationship.

In the end, I’m grateful for my experience with Blue because it taught me about the importance of self-reflection, personal growth, and making the best decisions for our own lives. And while I once knew a girl like Blue, I’m grateful I didn’t marry her, as I learned that sometimes someone can be a great person, but not the right fit for us, and that’s okay.