Did you know that women are more receptive to sex when their feet are warm?
Lets talk about sex. After all, who doesn’t like to talk about sex? Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot about you – with the red face, looking around to be sure that no one can see you reading this. Luckily for you I will avoid spelling the word in its natural form – because when these three little letters are side-by-side, uninterrupted, they tend to invite the spam police.
This topic is so involved that I am going to commit my next two newsletters to SEX: Part II and Part III. Today I will address our Drive, Partner Compatibility, and the role of Chemicals and Mother Nature. In Part II I will discuss why sex is important in long-term relationships and in Part III I will cover strategies and ideas for how to improve your Sex life.
Our libido, the drive or want for sex, is determined in large part by our levels of testosterone, and generally most people fall into one of three categories.
High Testosterone: For High-T folks, the only requirement for sex is, “Is my heart beating?” Thoughts about sex are constant and there is no such thing as “not in the mood.”
Moderate Testosterone (Mid-T): Sex is of interest on a fairly regular basis, but does not dominate all thoughts. Desire is present and when the circumstances and timing allow, Mid-T’s are open and ready.
Low Testosterone (Low-T) : Low T’s have sex when the guilt builds up. There is no tension or anticipation building within – sex is not on the radar screen. Until he or she is actually having it, s e x is not of much interest. In fact, for Low-T women in particular, it is necessary to get her motor going BEFORE she is actually motivated to have sex at all. If you are a mid to high-T partner then you’ll want to reconsider your insistence that she WANT to have s-x or worse yet, that she initiate. If it’s up to her, you might be waiting quite a while, and it has nothing to do with whether or not she loves you!
Partner CompatibilitySadly, the High T’s don’t always attract each other and at times end up with the Low T’s, which can make for a frustrating experience for both partners.Furthermore, it’s nearly impossible for a Low-T to comprehend why a High-T is so “obsessed” with sex, and the High-T partner can’t fathom why anyone would want to go “that long” without s-x, therefore, there “must be something wrong with you, or something wrong with me because of your lack of interest.” This is an unfortunate trap that keeps many couples hanging by their toes until they learn the truth about hormones and chemistry.“But,” the High-T protests, saying to the Low-T, “you wanted it all of the time when we first met.” And it’s probably true. How does that happen? In a nutshell, she’s on drugs!
The Chemical Connection
Research* has proven that when we are infatuated we experience an altered chemical state. Essentially, all infatuated people are on drugs. Self-produced drugs, that is. The only ingredient necessary for production of this mighty powerful substance is thoughts about our new found object of our affection. This Love Cocktail involves a combination of chemicals, and dopamine in particular.
Dopamine is a chemical messenger in our brain that is similar to adrenalin and when we get a rush of dopamine everything feels better, tastes better, looks better, sounds better, and we are on top of the world. When we think about the source of our desire we get a rush of dopamine that creates a high which we often associate with feelings of love.
Because of the fantastic side-effects of this love cocktail, infatuation is the drug of choice for sex addicts, love addicts, serial monogamists who enjoy many back-to-back short-term relationships, and those who struggle with fidelity within committed relationships. The side effects of this love cocktail include:
1. Increased interest
2. Increased libido
3. Increased euphoria
4. Pleasure seeking
5. Pleasure Receptivity
6. Decreased appetite
7. Decreased defenses (see no issues with the other person)
8. Positive Outlook
As it turns out, Mother Nature is quite cunning and maybe even a little bit manipulative. When these feel-good chemicals rush through our system, our pleasure and reward center in our brain takes charge of our decision making. Having your pleasure/reward center in command is sort of like taking your child to a candy store and asking him what he wants for dinner, and encouraging him to make “good choices.”
With the pleasure/reward center in charge of our decisions, it is natural to want to secure a commitment with this newfound love so that we can insure that we will always feel the rush we feel with all of this dopamine in our system. Just as given the choice, I’m sure my son would prefer I buy him the whole candy store, rather than just a candy bar.
The cold reality, however, is that once a commitment is secured, this chemical process (love cocktail of sorts) starts to slowly diminish and eventually (anywhere from 3 months to a year, typically) we return to our original base-line emotion, energy, outlook and libido. This, by the way, is how high-T partners often end up with low-T partners because for a while the low-T partner, who normally has a very limited drive is little-miss-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you!
I’m going to leave you hanging here, longing for more. Isn’t that fitting given the topic? In Part II I will cover the importance of sex in our relationships and in Part III I will address what to do if things aren’t the way you’d like for them to be. So stay tuned… and if you are a high-T, you might want to get your sweetie some nice warm footie’s – can’t hurt, right?