fbpx Lesbian Partner Selection | 5 Reasons Lesbians Choose the Wrong Person
choose the wrong person

Why do Lesbians Choose the Wrong Person to Date?

When love is good, life feels good. When love is bad, life feels bad. In fact, the state of your love life can affect the way everything else in your life feels, not just your relationship. Yet, there is nothing else that in life that can do for you that a primary romantic/love relationship can do for you.

When you choose the wrong partner, there is no amount of money, success, achievements, adventure, travel, or other experiences that can satisfy your hardwired drive for a primary attachment. We are built to connect.

When you are single by choice, or circumstances, this can provide a meaningful network of connections, too. Some people turn to friends and family (and sometimes friends are your family). The point is, you are wired to connect, and it is well documented that the quality of your human connections (friendships, family relationships, and/or primary partners) has a significant influence on your happiness in life, so surround yourself with those who are in alignment with who you are and how you wish to be in this world.

When it comes to romantic love, not just anyone will do. To have a happy and satisfying relationship, you need to find the RIGHT partner in life who will add to, not take away from who you are and the life you dream about living.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that it is much easer to choose the wrong person, sometimes.  Especially on the heels of 2020!

Many people (particularly women who love women) underestimate the power of partner selection when reflecting on what went wrong in their prior relationship(s). There are many factors that can lead to poor partner selection for lesbians.

Here are five reasons we choose the wrong person:

1. Scarcity Mindset

“I won’t find anyone else, so I better make this relationship work for me.”

Many lesbians have the feeling that there aren’t that many lesbians, let alone women who are single and available. Let’s face it, coming out is a never-ending process. (Here are 3 tips on how to stay out once you come out).

2. Low self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness

“I have been convinced by others that I am less-than, not good enough, and treated in ways that leave me feeling unworthy of love.”

Whether you have had experiences of rejection because of your attraction to women, or you have internalized shame, inadequacy, or even the feeling/message that you are sinful, there are many opportunities for you to start believing you do not deserve love. Just because you think it, and even experience it, doesn’t make it true. In fact, it’s not true.

There. That settles that. You. Are. More. Than. Worthy. Of Love! ‘

What’s more, someone out there is also worthy of your love! See how that works. Let’s work toward owning our worthiness, and share our worthiness with her worthiness.

3. Lack of self-awareness and insight about what you desire

“I am more focused on who desires me than I am on who and what it is that I desire.”

When you are easily swept up by the feeling of being desired, it is easy to lose sight of what actually makes you happy, floats your boat, soothes your soul, brings you to life, and helps point you in the direction of the best expression of who you really are.

4. A sense of urgency to partner, lack of patience, and comfort being single

“I feel sad, lonely, and too uncomfortable when I am not in a relationship, so I will either stay in this one that doesn’t work for me, or I will partner with this person that isn’t the right fit so that I won’t be alone.”

Lesbians have been known for their “urge-to-merge.” This is the process of bonding very rapidly, and feeling a sense of urgency to secure a commitment before you know how compatible you are. Many lesbians have an anxious attachment style that leaves you feeling unsafe and intensely uncomfortable when you are not anchored by a relationship.

5. Confusing the initial feel-good chemicals of attraction with love.

“This feels so good, it must be love.”

You (and all humans) are hard-wired for attraction and rewarded by the release of feel-good chemicals that run through your system causing feelings of euphoria, increased energy, and heightened senses that make everything feel better, taste better, smell better, sound better, and look better. Our body literally tricks us into believing we are happier with this person, when in reality, we are experiencing a naturally-produced chemical high, and we have yet to really know this person.

How do I improve my partner selection?

To improve your partner selection process you must change your dating mindset, approach, and behaviors. Nothing changes unless something changes. If you do not identify a new and improved approach to dating, there is a big chance you will choose the wrong person over and over again.

Effective dating requires that you take the time to understand who you are, how you wish to feel, and what you desire to experience in life, you run the risk of a poor partner selection. No small task, right?

If you can relate to the frustrations of dating and the feeling of urgency to partner, only to discover that you continue to find yourself in relationships with women that are not a good fit, you are a good candidate for the LesBiQ Dateable Online 6-week Class.

Would you like to:

Join other single lesbians for 6-live weekly zoom video classes with Michele O’Mara, PhD

  • Develop an effective roadmap to guide you in your dating experiences
  • Discover the unconscious forces that influence who you are attracted to, and how to use this information to improve your dating success
  • Learn how to harness the power of good boundaries and open communication to take your dating life to a whole new level
  • Learn how to step more fully into your most authentic self so you can attract a more authentic relationship
  • Learn the power of dating, real dating, and how to use the “ladder of love” to hold yourself to a higher dating standard from the start
  • Discover dating tools and strategies to hold you accountable for making the next right choice
  • Identify very specifically who you wish to attract in your life and how you wish to feel when you do.
    Stop attracting the wrong person.

If you can relate to the frustrations of dating and the feeling of urgency to partner, only to discover that you continue to find yourself in relationships with women that are not a good fit, you are a good candidate for the LesBiQ Dateable Online 6-week Class.


Calendar of Events

LoveCode Announcements

Stay informed about new LoveCode resources, classes, and events.

No Events

Got Questions?