Should I commit after one lesbian date?

 

Survey visits: 404 

Completed  the lesbian date survey:  105 

 

One of the most common jokes about lesbians, ever, is:

 Question: What does a lesbian bring on their second date? 

Answer: A U-Haul

 (Full disclosure, we are guilty of keeping this alive by selling a t-shirt about this at our lesbiangift.store) 

lesbian date, u-haulResearchers have come up with terms to describe the rapid bonding that occurs between women in love, such as, the urge to merge, fusion, and lack of individuation, etc. What this means in everyday terms is that women who love women are prone to moving quickly, bonding deeply, and the stereotype that may or may not be true, is that women lose themselves in their relationships with other women in no time at all.

In research conducted by Charlene Yvette Senn (2010), points out that “given the strength of this fundamental assumption about fusion in writing by and about women in same-sex couples, there has been little research demonstrating problematic levels of closeness, merger, and/or fusion in their relationships.” She also shares that “Some authors have suggested that there may be pathological components to closeness or fusion if the relationship lacks boundaries or is characterized by excessive appeasement and conflict avoidance, but that a high degree of closeness itself is not pathological (Ackbar & Senn, 2010; Kitzinger, 1996).

Anecdotally, it has been my experience in working with female same-sex couples that it is precisely the desire to AVOID CONFLICT, and I would add FOSTER SECURITY/ATTACHMENT (rather than closeness, per se), that moves women toward each other in ways that cause challenges in relationship.

How long do you date before committing?

 

1-4 dates: 40%

5-10 dates: 46%

11-20 dates: 11%

21-60 dates: 2%

60 or more dates: 2%

As you can see, the survey participants on the lesbian date survey reveal that 86% of lesbians commit to a relationship between 1 and 10 dates. What is curious to me is, what motivates women to move in together so quickly? If it isn’t the desire to be super close, super fast (the urge to merge, or fusion), might it help foster security and attachment? This is what makes sense to me. What are your thoughts?

Just to give you insight about who completed the lesbian date survey, here are the stats on their dating activity, dating history, age and relationship status and history. 

With how many women have you had at least one date where there was physical contact (at least kissing or more)?

None ~ 6%

1 ~ 11%

2-4 ~36%

5-10 ~ 28%

11-20 ~ 11%

20-30 ~ 4%

30+ ~ 6%

With how many women have you had at least one date in your lifetime?

None ~ 0

1 ~ 10%

2-4 ~37%

5-10 ~ 31%

11-20 ~ 11%

20-30 ~ 4%

30+ ~ 7%

How many committed, intimate relationships with woman have you had?

1 ~ 17%

2 ~ 27%

3-5 ~ 47%

6-10 ~ 8%

11+ ~ 2%

How old are you?

18-24 ~ 21%

 24-29 ~ 11%

 29-30 ~ 2%

 31-35 ~ 11%

 36-40 ~ 12%

 41-50 ~ 25%

 50+ 19%

ABOUT Michele O’Mara, LCSW, Ph.D.

Relationships are my thing. Some would say, my obsession. While I only scored an 83.75% on my own "How Lesbian Are You" test,  don't let that fool you. Since returning to school in the '90s for my MSW, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: help lesbian couples grow love. 

I am that person who has built her life around one thing: lesbian relationships and women loving women. For fun, I do things like create online quizzes at asklesbians.com, to learn more about real lesbians. Or I write books. like, "Just Ask: 1,000 Questions to Grow Your Relationship," to give couples an easy way to communicate. (www.1000question.app) And, now that our boys are young men, my love, and my wife, Kristen, and I are growing lesbian love through Lesbian Couples Retreats and The Lesbian Roadshow throughout the U.S. in awesome destinations where our motto is, "love out loud" with Adventures in Love.  You can learn more about those at lesbiancouples.co.

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