Survey Answers: How Do Lesbians Have Sex | Fisting | Threesomes | and More

Survey Answers: How Do Lesbians Have Sex | Fisting | Threesomes | and More

Lesbians answer the question: How do lesbians have sex and other personal questions 

how do lesbians have sex

It is not uncommon for lesbians to field random and often very personal questions, such as, “How do lesbians have sex?” I wonder how many heterosexual couples have been asked, “so, how do you two have sex?”  You might assume this is because everyone knows how heterosexuals have sex, but is that true? There is the obvious penis-in-vagina method, but does that mean that is all heterosexuals do and what they prefer? For the 75% of women who can not orgasm from the ole penis-in-vagina method of sex, I hope it’s not all there is to heterosexual sex! This question is just one of many that lesbians find themselves asked on a regular basis, so I created a survey to put these questions to rest!

The Survey Questions

  1.  How do lesbians have sex?
  2.  Is one woman “the man” in your sex life?
  3. If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men? (If this applies to you)
  4. How do you flirt with another woman? (i.e. How would I know if you are attracted to me?)
  5. Do you rely on toys for a satisfying sex life?
  6. Do you engage in fisting?
  7. Do you have threesomes with your partner and another person?
  8. On average, when you are having partner sex (not masturbation) what is the typical time of clitoral stimulation (or your preferred stimulation) necessary to achieve an orgasm?

About the Survey Responders

Of the 132 women who have completed this survey, the majority of responders are between the ages of 35-54 (66%), followed by 22% ages 25-34, 9% over 55 years of age, and 3% ages 18-24. Of these women, 64% report they are exclusively attracted to women, 20% state they are mostly attracted to women and some men, with 14% stating they are generally drawn to people, not genders, with 2% reporting they are primarily attracted to men and some women. All but one woman reports they are orgasmic. In general, research indicates that 10% of the female population is not orgasmic, so either the non-orgasmic lesbians shied away from this survey, or lesbians have special superpowers when it comes to orgasms. (I like to think it’s the later).

Question One: How do lesbians have sex?

The first, and probably most commonly asked question for lesbians is: How do lesbians have sex?  There are 132 answers to this question listed here for your reference. A loose summary of these individual responses reveals a common theme about how lesbians describe their own sexual activity. In general, the most prevalent response (58%) indicates the use of hands and fingers for touching and clitoral stimulation. A tie for the second most commonly reported answer to the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” is the use of sex aids (45%) and oral sex (45%). Penetration shows up less, with 20% indicating the use of fingers and sexual aids for penetration. Of note, 6% of lesbians said they simply do “what feels good,” and there were similar reports of communication, passion, and breast play. Very few (3%) included scissoring in their definition of lesbian sex, and even less (2%) included anal play.

Also, of note, a couple responders expressed disgust with the question, a few referenced that it’s the same as sex with a man, without the penis, and a handful simply stated their frequency of sexual activity rather than what they actually considered sex. My favorite response to the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” was simply: “very well, thanks.”

Question Two:  Is one woman “the man” in your sex life?

The majority of women (72%) indicate “no,” there is no “man” in our sex life. Some (14%) indicate that on occasion there is, and very few (4%) state that yes, there is. Clearly, how this question is interpreted can affect the way it is answered. There were a few people (10%) who preferred to explain their feelings about this question. The explanations seem to translate “the man” to mean a more masculine and/or dominant role in one’s sex life or the one who penetrates. Among those who expanded on their answers, there is still a little endorsement of the idea that one is “the man,” and my favorite answer of all is: “That’s like asking a pair of chopsticks which one is the fork and which one is the spoon. No, we are both women. Period.”

Question 3: If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men? (If this applies to you)

The majority of survey responders (47%) report that they do not have sex with women that look like men. As for those who do, (20%) selected the option that they “prefer women who appear more masculine, just as some men are more attracted to more masculine women,” and (16%) state that it is not about the gender presentation that they are attracted to, it’s the personality and other characteristics about her that she’s drawn to.

From the additional comments, it’s also important to note that many women are aware of the reality that gender presentation is a human-made concept and that in reality, as one woman said: “Those ‘looks’ are not exclusive to men. Just as women don’t OWN the rights to make up.”

As for the original question, then, “If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men,” it seems the answer has little to do with “looking like men,” in that only 20% of women report that they are expressly attracted to women with a masculine presentation. The remaining responders who do not deny attractions to more masculine men suggest that while a woman may have a masculine presentation, that is not the variable to which they are most drawn.  

4: How do you flirt with another woman? (i.e., How would I know if you are attracted to me?)

Sometimes it is assumed that if a woman is gay, she is romantically attracted to all women. Or at least that is the fear for some heterosexual women who might also be found saying something like, “I don’t care if she’s a lesbian as long as she doesn’t like me that way.” Fear has a way of impairing logic, not that lesbians don’t have a knack for also finding heterosexual women attractive. The point is, being a lesbian does not mean you will automatically fall in love with any and all women.  It simply means that when you do find “the one,” it will be a woman.

If you are wondering if she likes you, here’s what the women in this survey said about how they will let you know. Roughly half of the women (46%) will seek more time, conversation and interaction with you, and the other half (42%) will be more affectionate, complimentary, and use more eye contact. A small percent (4%) admit they are likely to be shy and withdrawn.

Some responders added additional comments. Two mentioned using humor, one likes to talk about sex, a couple others said they are very direct, one explaining that, “I don’t beat around the bush,” which gave me a good chuckle as I thought to myself, that’s probably a good idea, because someone might get hurt flirting like that, besides, how would you know if she even has a bush? (Ba-Dum-Dump)  One survey responder says she first becomes friends with her. Two others shared that it’s the “same as flirting with guys,” and two lesbians said they don’t flirt because they are married.  Though one of the married women did endorse flirting with her wife, “by smacking her on the ass and telling her how hot she is.” Lastly, one responder confessed, “I actually do not know how to flirt with women, or even tell if they are interested.”

5: Do you rely on toys for a satisfying sex life?

Sex toys, or as some prefer, sexual aids, are not an essential part of the lesbian sexual diet for 89% of the women responding to this survey. Only 11% report using sexual aids consistently during their sexual activity. The majority (52%) report using aids occasionally, 27% use them rarely and 8% do not use them at all. No additional insights about this were gathered from the comments.

6: Do you engage in lesbian fisting?

What is lesbian fisting? It is easy to visualize anything that involves a fist as being violent. However, in the case of lesbian fisting, this is a sexual practice where an entire hand is inserted either vaginally or anally. While many people associate fisting with lesbian sexual activity, only 76% of survey responders endorse ever having engaged in this practice. There are 16% of women who report that they do engage in lesbian fisting. Another 2% share they do not know what this fisting is. Some of the “other” responses include women who have been a giver but not a receiver, used to in a past relationship but not now or are “working up to it!” as one woman shared.

Before you set out to explore lesbian fisting, be sure to have a lot of lube on hand (pun intended), and position all of your fingers in a pointed position, pinched together (which is not the same as an entire fist inserted at once), and go slowly. 

7: Do you have lesbian threesomes with your partner and another person?

When it comes to threesomes, it seems that this is not a big draw for partnered lesbians. Among the responders to this survey, only 6% of women report that they have had a lesbian threesome with her partner, or with her partner and a man (it was not specified)  on more than one occasion and only 5% report that they have had a lesbian threesome (or a threesome with her partner and a man) once. If you add the lesbians who report having had a threesome while single, the total jumps to 31% of lesbians who have ever had a threesome under any circumstances.  A solid 58% of responders stated that they have not had a threesome with their lesbian partner and another person, and they would rather not. This leaves 8% of survey responders who have “not had a threesome, but would like to.” One responder added the comment, “we did once, and it was a disaster,” and another explained that she was in a relationship with a couple.

If you are wondering if that cute lesbian couple you just met wants to join you for a threesome, the odds are mighty slim according to this survey that you are going to get a “yes.”

8. On average, when you are having partner sex (not masturbation) what is the typical time of clitoral stimulation (or your preferred stimulation) necessary to achieve an orgasm?

The responses from lesbians completing this survey suggest that most women (34%) indicate that they need an average of 10-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation (or preferred stimulation) by one’s partner (not including masturbation) to reach an orgasm, and similar amounts of women (32%) state they can reach orgasm with 5-10 minutes of clitoral stimulation or other preferred stimulation. A few responders (7%) report needing more than 20 minutes. There is an impressive 23% of responders who report reaching climax with less than 5 minutes of partner stimulation.

Some women are self-conscious about the length of time it takes to climax, especially if she is partnered with someone who comes quickly. This bonus question is designed to validate the wide-ranging length of stimulation required for climax during partner sex. Most women can self-pleasure much more rapidly than they can with partner sex. Your responses may also vary from partner to partner, depending on different techniques and accessories used for stimulation.

As one woman commented, “Ok, this is not up to me…she can get me to orgasm in a few minutes or make me wait 15, 20, 30 minutes. She is in complete control and knows EXACTLY which buttons to push to drive me wild.”  Other responders clarified that they are indicating the length of time it takes for their first orgasm, but that they continue to have additional orgasms for another hour, and one woman shared that she continues to have orgasms for five or more hours after her first one.

Do you identify as a lesbian? Do you want to add your voice to #asklesbians?  Take the current survey here.

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Survey Results: Most Important Lesbian Relationship Goals

Survey Results: Most Important Lesbian Relationship Goals

lesbian relationship goals

Lesbian Relationship Goals

 

When it comes to lesbian relationship goals, our survey says that above all else, feeling loved is most important. In a very brief, no-nonsense survey on asklesbians.com, lesbians were asked not only about how important it is to feel loved, but also to rate 13 other aspects of a relationship according to importance. The scale was 1-5, with one being very low importance, and 5 being the highest importance.

Twenty-four lesbians completed the survey. Their ages ranged from age from 18 to over 54 with the majority falling into two age groups:

  • 38% ages 18-24
  • 29% ages 35-44

The bulk of women completing the survey identify as cis-gender female (which means they were assigned female at birth and this gender assignment suits them just fine). Four participants did not identify as cis (one transfemale, and three non-binary).

 

Lesbian Relationship Goals

The following numbers represent the weighted scores for each variable on the survey. The numbers are on a scale of 1-5, and the higher the number, the more important this variable is to the lesbians who completed the survey. This list is in order of the most important lesbian relationship goals to least important:

  • 4.25 Feeling Loved
  • 4.17 Feeling Understood
  • 4.09 Humor
  • 4.08 Overall Relationship Satisfaction
  • 4.04 Sexual Chemistry
  • 3.92 Emotional Connection
  • 3.92 Emotional Safety and Security
  • 3.88 Fidelity/Faithfulness
  • 3.83 Intellectual Connection
  • 3.71 Pleasure from Sex
  • 3.46 Social Compatibility
  • 3.33 Frequency of Sex
  • 2.96 Spiritual Connection
  • 2.5 Financial Security

What surprised me most about these results is that Safety and Security were not identified as a more important lesbian relationship goal than it was (3.92 out of 5). Granted, the survey sample is small. I’m also curious about what makes financial security so low. I find myself wondering if that is a reflection of not wanting to place the value of money above the value of love? However, for this survey, you can have both (rate them both a 5), so it’s curious to me if there is a rejection of or disinterest in financial security?

The top four most important lesbian relationship goals make sense to me. Although, it is curious to me that feeling loved doesn’t ring in at a solid 5. Does this mean that there are a couple of lesbians that find that to feel loved is overrated? Or feeling understood is only generally important, but not always important?

  • 4.25 Feeling Loved
  • 4.17 Feeling Understood
  • 4.09 Humor
  • 4.08 Overall Relationship Satisfaction

What are your thoughts about these results? Do you agree it’s most important to feel loved in your relationship? Do any of the findings surprise you, when it comes to what lesbians are saying are the most important goals in their relationships?

Survey 2:  Lesbian Relationships and Gender Roles

Survey 2: Lesbian Relationships and Gender Roles

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Download this report on pdf here.

 INTERESTING DISCOVERIES

• 52% of lesbians prefer to date feminine lesbians, however, only 38% of lesbians in this survey report being more feminine
• 73% of masculine lesbians prefer feminine lesbians, yet only 26% of feminine lesbians prefer masculine lesbians
• Pet care seems to be the most evenly shared responsibility among all gender-identified lesbians.

SURVEY SUMMARY

The second survey in the AskLesbians.com series addresses the topic of lesbians and gender roles as they relate to lesbian relationships. This five-question survey inquires about how lesbians self-identify their behavior in terms of masculine, feminine, or a combination of both, as well as what types of women lesbians are most attracted to, and the roles they play in relationship with one another.

Survey participants were asked to describe their gender. To clarify, gender is our sense of our self as male, female, somewhere in between, neither, either or both. Our sex, on the other hand, is our biological status as male or female. It has been said that gender if from the neck up, and sex is from the neck down.

SURVEY RESULTS
In this survey, 100 women completed the survey. Seventy-eight women report they were born female, and identify as female. Seven-percent were born male and identify as female. Two-percent were born female and identify as male. Five-percent report being born female yet identify as neither male nor female, while seven-percent indicate they were born female and identify as both male and female. One participant identifies as intersex (having biological characteristics of both genders).

SURVEYPIC2

 

(better view of charts on pdf version here)

Gender Behavior Identification
Of the 100 responses, thirty-eight percent identify as more feminine, fifteen percent identify as more masculine and forty-seven percent identify as mostly both masculine and feminine.

 

SURVEYPIC3

Most Attractive Gender Behaviors to Lesbians
When it comes to lesbians and which gender behaviors lesbians are most attracted to, the feminine lesbians are at the top of the list with fifty-two percent of lesbians preferring to date more feminine lesbians. The next most desirable group in this survey includes lesbians with a mixture of masculine and feminine behaviors. Seventeen-percent of lesbians report having a preference for dating more masculine behaving women.

SURVEYPIC4

(better view of charts on pdf version here)

Dating Preferences by Gender
As mentioned above, the most desirable group of lesbians to date according to this survey is, in order, more feminine (52%), mostly both (29%), followed by more masculine (17%) with gender variant representing one-percent. When it comes to which self-identified lesbians and which gender behaviors of lesbians they are most likely to want to date there are several possible combinations of gender roles. The strongest combination of gender attractions reported in this survey is masculine identified lesbians who are attracted to feminine lesbians (73%). The next most reported combinations of attraction are from feminine lesbians who are attracted to feminine lesbians (53%). The mostly masculine and feminine lesbians attracted to feminine lesbians (45%) and the mostly masculine and feminine lesbians attracted to other masculine and feminine lesbians (45%) are tied for the third most reported combination of attractions based on gender behaviors.

Interestingly, when you consider the highest desired combination of attractions is masculine women to feminine women (73%), the opposite does not hold true. Only twenty-six percent of feminine women report desiring to date masculine lesbians, and even fewer feminine lesbians desire to date women with a combination of masculine and feminine behaviors (18%).

Self-identified gender behaviors and the correlating attractions
(Self-identified behavior + gender behavior most attracted to = percent in this category)

1. Masculine + Feminine = 73%
2. Feminine + Feminine = 53%
3. Masculine/Feminine + Feminine = 45%
4. Masculine/Feminine + Masculine/Feminine = 45%
5. Feminine + Masculine= 26%
6. Masculine + Masculine = 20%
7. Feminine + Masculine/Feminine = 18%
8. Masculine + Masculine/Feminine = 7%
9. Masculine/Feminine + Masculine = 9%

SURVEYPIC5

(better view of charts on pdf version here)

Of the women who identify as more masculine, eighty-eight percent were born female and identify as female. Six percent were born female and identify as neither male or female, and six percent also identify as both male and female. None of the lesbians who identify with more masculine behaviors in this survey indicate identifying as a male. This would suggest that contrary to some myths, masculine lesbians, do not identify as men.

About Masculine-Identified Lesbians (15%)
As for actual gender behaviors as they relate to how a lesbian self-identifies her gender, masculine identified lesbians report the strongest division of roles in their relationships. Topping the charts for home and car maintenance (67%) and lawn care (53%) are masculine identified lesbians. However, contrary to stereotypes of masculine behavior, only twenty seven percent of masculine-identified lesbians report being primary breadwinners. As for cleaning, cooking, childcare and creating social plans, or the sharing masculine identified lesbians are not the best pick with only twenty percent or less who report engaging in these behaviors.

About Mostly both masculine and feminine identified lesbians (48%)
As for lesbians who identify as both masculine and feminine, the most commonly reported behaviors are expressing feelings (57%) and initiating sex (49%), and primary bread winner (45%). This group reports the most evenly distributed responsibilities, with lawn care (38%), creating social plans (38%) and grocery shopping (38%) and home / car maintenance (43%) occurring at similar rates. In fact, every category is solidly above 30% except childcare, which, as it turns out is not a helpful category for this survey because it is unknown how many of these women even have children, which is obviously relevant. Surprisingly, given the even distribution of behaviors noted, only twenty percent of these lesbians report sharing most tasks.

About feminine identified lesbians (37%)
The most commonly reported behaviors by feminine identified lesbians are grocery shopping (45%) and expressing feelings (47%). The least reported behavior for feminine women is primary breadwinner (18%) with initiating sex (21%). Twenty-nine percent of feminine identified lesbians report sharing most tasks. This is higher than any of the three groups studied. Over 40 percent feminine lesbians report creating social plans, expressing feelings and doing the grocery shopping.

PARTICIPANT COMMENTS
In this survey, participants were invited to share their observations about the differences they perceive between lesbian relationships and heterosexual relationships as it relates to gender roles.

Of forty-eight comments, I synthesized similar comments to create a picture of what lesbians perceive about their relationship roles compared to heterosexual relationships.

The top response centers on the idea that lesbians have less emphasis on gender roles in their relationships when it comes to the responsibilities associated with living together. Thirty-eight percent of the comments analyzed use words such as “choice,” “freedom,” “undefined,” “whoever’s best at” to describe how the division of labor is assigned in lesbian relationships. Twenty-three percent say there are no differences between heterosexual and lesbian gender roles. Only two percent indicate they do think there are gender-based roles in lesbian relationships.

CONCLUSIONS

• Feminine lesbians are best positioned for dating. They are the most desired by all groups, but there are less of them than there are women desiring them, so supply and demand is on your side if you are a feminine lesbian.
• If you want to increase the chances of having a partner who will initiate sex, and discuss her feelings, find a partner who is both masculine and feminine.
• If you want a partner who is going to take charge of home and car maintenance, including lawn care, choose a more masculine partner.
• If you want your partner to be the primary breadwinner, pick a lesbian who is both masculine and feminine, and do not select a mostly feminine partner.
• Lesbians take care of their pets.
• If you include childcare on a survey, be sure to determine whether participants have children or not.

PARTICIPATING IN FUTURE SURVEYS

Michele O’Mara, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Board Certified Clinical Sexologist practicing in the state of Indiana with lesbians throughout the U.S. (thanks to skype and the like). These surveys are designed to learn more about lesbians, and to establish a better understanding of the diversity of lesbians in love and in life. If you are a lesbian and you would like to participate in the next survey, please join my newsletter where you will find the information about and links to future surveys. Please contact me if you have topics or questions you would like to see included on a future survey.

SURVEY 1:  How lesbian are you?

SURVEY 1: How lesbian are you?

 

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How lesbian are you?
170 Completed Responses
3 questions total

SURVEY SUMMARY

The kick-off survey for this new adventure is designed to understand the various degrees of attraction to men and women that exist for lesbians.

This simple, three-question survey inquires about the degree to which lesbian-identified women experience the following six variables as it relates to both men and women: emotional attraction, physical attraction, enjoyment of company, sexual fantasies, ease of attraction, and sexual behavior.

Nearly all lesbians find women emotionally attractive (98%), physically attractive (99%), and would, or do, have sex with women (97%). Still impressive, ninety-five percent of lesbians enjoy the company of women. Registering lowest on the survey, are the eighty-eight percent of lesbians who report having sexual fantasies about women, and the eighty-nine percent of lesbians who indicate they are easily attracted to women.

When it comes to men, an impressive fifty-seven percent of lesbians report enjoying their company, surpassing those who identify as bisexual (44%) by thirteen percentage points. There were, however, only sixteen bisexuals in the survey compared to 139 lesbians. Very few lesbians are emotionally attracted to men (14%). Slightly more lesbians find men physically attractive (16%). However, nineteen percent of lesbians in this survey enjoy fantasizing about sex with men, and thirty-eight percent of bisexuals have sexual fantasies about men. Nine percent of lesbians report that they would, or do, have sex with men and almost none of the lesbians in the survey are easily attracted to men (1%), whereas nineteen percent of bisexuals are.

INTERESTING DISCOVERIES

      • *More lesbians enjoy the company of men than bisexual women.
      • *The lowest of the six measures of attraction (emotional, physical, company of, ease of attraction, sexual fantasy about, willingness/desire to have sex with) for lesbians is their sexual fantasies (88% have sexual fantasies about women).
      • *Nineteen percent of lesbians enjoy fantasizing about having sex with men, but only half of that group (9%) are willing to walk their talk (or in this case, thoughts).

THE GENERAL OVERVIEW

Gay / Lesbian 82% (139 total)
Bisexual 9% (16 total)
Pansexual 2% 3 total)
Queer 6% (10 total)
Asexual 1% (2 total)
Other (Please Specify)
8% (13 total)

I am emotionally attracted to women. 96% (162 total)
I am physically attracted to women. 98% (165 total)
I enjoy the company of women. 93% (157 total)
I have sexual fantasies about women. 86% (146 total)
I am easily attracted to women. 88% (148 total)
I would (or do) have sex with a woman. 98% (165 total)

I am emotionally attracted to men. 21% (28 total)
I am physically attracted to men. 30% (40 total)
I enjoy the company of men. 71% (94 total)
I have sexual fantasies about men. 30% (39 total)
I am easily attracted to men. 4% (5 total)
I would (or do) have sex with a man. 21% (28 total)

PARTICIPATING IN FUTURE SURVEYS

If you are a lesbian and you would like to participate in the next survey, please join my newsletter where you will find the information about and links to future surveys.  Please contact me if you have topics or questions you would like to see included on a future survey.

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