Lesbian Couples Quickies: Validation, Not Education

LESBIAN COUPLES QUICKIES: VALIDATION, NOT EDUCATION

Couples Quickies #1

When your girl expresses a concern, need or frustration in her life (not about you), do not mistake this as her request for you to fix the situation, or fix her. If you are someone who often responds by telling her what you think, and what she should do, this quickie is especially for you.

In general, when we are hurting and we go to our spouse / partner with a painful situation, we are not asking for solutions, we are asking for support. We want to feel less alone with our pain. Often, we just want reassurance that we are okay.

Here’s a roadmap for those of you who are unsure how this might sound:

Let her talk. Don’t interrupt. Keep your questions to a minimum.

1. Let her know you’ve heard her.

“It sounds like … <repeat the highlights that you heard her share so she knows you were listening – don’t add your opinions or thoughts, just reflect back to her what you heard>”

2. Validate her feelings.

Let her know that when you look at the situation the way she’s looking at it (not the way you are), her feelings make sense (even if you disagree).

“Based on how you’ve described things, it makes sense that you feel <insert how she says she is feeling>, because <insert meaningful points she has shared that let her know that you were listening and validate why she’s feeling the way she is>…

3. Reassure her.

Remind her that you are here for her. Reinforce that you are a safe person for her to talk with when she is struggling, and that even if you see things differently, your ultimate goal is to be a safe and supportive person for her to talk to.

“I see this situation a little differently than you do, but what matters to me the most is how I can be here for you, and make you feel supported.”

4. Inquire if she wants your perspective.

“Would you like to know my thoughts about this, or is it best for me to just listen?”

5. Share with her consent.

IF she says she wants your perspective, THEN, and only THEN, share your perspective.

“How I see this situation is … “

Focus more on understanding, less on being “right.” Remember, she has come to you to feel better, not worse.

Quiz: How Healthy is Your Relationship?

Free e.book: 52 Healthy Relationship Tips for Lesbians in Love

What is Your Imago? Find out Here.

Got Questions?

Do Lesbians Scissor? What 130 Women Say They Like Most.

Of all the various sexual activities between women, scissoring seems to get the most attention. It is increasingly visible in movies such as Blue Is the Warmest Color, Handmaiden, and Orange Is the New Black. It would be natural to assume that this is a regular sexual activity of lesbians, given the coverage it has been receiving on screen.

In an effort to see if the media representation of lesbian scissoring is accurate, I created a survey of 130 female-identified women who report attraction to women, 12 sexual activities (listed below) were ranked in order of satisfaction, frequency, and displeasure.

The following lesbian sexual activities were included in the survey: Clitoral Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or finger, Oral Sex (Receiving), Oral Sex (Giving), Clitoral Stimulation by Vibrator or Toy, Penetrative Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or Finger, Penetrative Stimulation by Vibrator or other Toy, Tribadism (distinguished from scissoring here and used to refer to the stimulation of the clitoris by rubbing it against some part of your partner’s body), Breast Stimulation by partner’s hand, Mutual Masturbation (we pleasure ourselves at the same time), Scissoring (mutual stimulation of clitoris against partner’s clitoris at the same time), Anal Sex (Receiving), and Anal Sex (Giving).

In our survey, scissoring ranked near the bottom

Here’s what we learned about the most preferred lesbian sex.

The top MOST SATISFYING LESBIAN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES (as defined by either leading to orgasm or if non-orgasmic, providing maximum pleasure) are:

Clitoral stimulation by partner’s hand (67%)
Receiving oral sex (64%)
Clitoral stimulation by vibrator or toy (55%)
Penetrative stimulation by partner’s hand or fingers (54%)

Want more on desire in lesbian relationships?

Get on the list for my LESBIAN SEX & INTIMACY course.

The top four sexual ACTIVITIES MOST FREQUENTLY engaged in by lesbians are:

Clitoral stimulation by partner’s hand (76%)
Penetrative stimulation by partner’s hand or fingers (71%)
Giving oral sex (68%)
Receiving oral sex (60%)

The LEAST ENJOYED sexual activitIES by lesbians are:

receiving anal sex (70%)
giving anal sex (58%)
lesbian scissoring (33%)

The following survey results are provided for those seeking detailed information about the responses.

Most Satisfying Lesbian Sexual Activities

67% Clitoral Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or finger
64% Oral Sex (Receiving)
55% Clitoral Stimulation by Vibrator or Toy
54% Penetrative Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or Finger
39% Oral Sex (Giving)
31% Penetrative Stimulation by Vibrator or other Toy
28% Tribadism (stimulating clitoris by rubbing it against some part of your partner’s body)
25% Breast Stimulation by partner’s hand
21% Mutual Masturbation (we pleasure ourselves at the same time)
15% Scissoring (mutual stimulation of clitoris against partner’s clitoris at the same time)
8% Anal Sex (Receiving)
6% Anal Sex (Giving)
4% Other – oral breast stimulation

Sexual Behaviors that Lesbians Report Almost Always Engaging In

75% Clitoral Stimulation by Vibrator or Toy
70% Penetrative Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or Finger
69% Clitoral Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or finger
68% Oral Sex (Giving)
60% Oral Sex (Receiving)
55% Breast Stimulation by partner’s hand
36% Tribadism (stimulating clitoris by rubbing it against some part of your partner’s body)
20% Penetrative Stimulation by Vibrator or other Toy
10% Scissoring (mutual stimulation of clitoris against partner’s clitoris at the same time)
6% Mutual Masturbation (we pleasure ourselves at the same time)
6% Anal Sex (Receiving)
5% Anal Sex (Giving)
OTHER activities noted in the blank text box:
- Oral stimulation to the breast by a partner (which was an oversight, and meant to be included with “by hand”)
- Spanking, slapping, and fisting
- Kissing
- Oral stimulation all over the body
- Massage
- Nibbles

Sexual Activity that Lesbians Report Engaging in Occasionally, but not Regularly

46% Clitoral Stimulation by Vibrator or Toy
38% Penetrative Stimulation by Vibrator or other Toy
34% Mutual Masturbation (we pleasure ourselves at the same time)
32% Tribadism (stimulating the clitoris by rubbing it against some part of your partner’s body)
28% Oral Sex (Receiving)
25% Scissoring (mutual stimulation of the your clitoris against partner’s clitoris at the same time)
22% Oral Sex (Giving)
19% Penetrative Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or Finger
18% Breast Stimulation by partner’s hand
18% Anal Sex (Giving)
16% Clitoral Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or finger
14% Anal Sex (Receiving)

Sexual Activity that Lesbians Report They Do Not Enjoy

10% Clitoral Stimulation by Vibrator or Toy
10% Penetrative Stimulation by Vibrator or other Toy
15% Mutual Masturbation (we pleasure ourselves at the same time)
12% Tribadism (stimulating clitoris by rubbing it against some part of your partner’s body)
8% Oral Sex (Receiving)
33% Scissoring (mutual stimulation of clitoris against partner’s clitoris at the same time)
5% Oral Sex (Giving)
19% Penetrative Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or Finger
10% Breast Stimulation by partner’s hand
58% Anal Sex (Giving)
5% Clitoral Stimulation by Partner’s Hand or finger
69% Anal Sex (Receiving)
10% Report NO dislikes

The age of survey respondents

Self Identify

Percentage of Participants Who Experience Orgasm

10 Lesbian Couple Goals for Happy Lesbian Relationships

10 Happy Lesbian Couple Goals

Do you know the top 10 Lesbian Couple Goals to strive for in your relationship?

Whether you are in your first lesbian relationship or the same one you’ve been in for the past decade, this list of 10 habits of happy lesbian couples will inspire you to do better.

As you learn more about these 10 lesbian couple goals, whether or not you are looking at these characteristics through the lens of what SHE needs to do more of, or whether or not you are considering whether or not you show up with the behaviors needed for a deliriously happy relationship.

We all have a deep-seated hope that when we get in a relationship, we will automatically be much happier. Unfortunately, the 10 lesbian couple goals listed in this video do not come automatically installed in our new relationship. The only thing any of us can count on is that when we get in a relationship, we can change our status from single to partnered. Other than this new label, you’ve gained nothing more until one, or both of you, start making meaningful contributions to this shared investment called your “relationship.”

To experience the happiness of those who work to attain these 10 lesbian couple goals, challenge yourself to pick the one that you currently need the most help with, and focus on improving just that one goal.

Keep in mind, relationship do not take care of themselves, people do.

Cheers to deliriously happy lesbian relationships. I hope you are inspired by this list of lesbian couple goals, and you have much success in your efforts to move toward them.

Here are some more good reads for you:

Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples for Five Common Issues

Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples

Lesbian couples are different in many ways from their heterosexual and gay male couple peers. However, lesbian couples are not particularly different from one another. There are some very common issues among female pairings, and I will be offering Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples for five of the most common issues.

Despite the endless stereotyping about what a lesbian is, women who love women are impressively diverse. If you find yourself doubting that, it’s because those who don’t meet the stereotype of a lesbian go unnoticed. When it comes to lesbian relationships, however, we are remarkably similar in the types of issues we experience.

Unlike heterosexual women, lesbians do not have easy access to information about what a typical lesbian relationship looks like. Rare is the lesbian who finds herself in the break room at work, sharing stories about her wife and their relationship. Additionally, the experiences that heterosexual women describe are often not relatable for lesbians. For example, how many heterosexual women do you hear expressing concern that her husband is best friends with the girlfriend he had before he married her? Or, how often have you heard a heterosexual woman express concern that her husband is constantly trying to read her mind and worries non-stop about whether or she’s feeling okay?

So, here’s today’s Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples. Rather than putting our focus on the common relationship problems, however, we will get right to the fixes for these issues. After all, we move in the direction we think — so let’s think solutions.

#1 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Allow Your Partner to Feel

It is okay if she is experiencing sadness, hurt, frustration or any other emotion that you find yourself wanting to fix or understand. As long as emotions are not used to communicate something (that’s good old fashioned passive-aggressiveness), let her feel what she feels without making it about you. The purpose of our emotions is to alert us to that which is joyful, dangerous, missing, violating, or any other situation that requires our attention. When you personalize how she is feeling, you interrupt an important and necessary process designed to help her clarify things for herself. Communicate with words and behaviors. Feelings are not a verb. We don’t anger. We express anger. Clarify what you are feeling. Then communicate with words or actions.

#2 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Facts are Your Friends, Stories Not so Much

I am sure you have a superpower. It’s just not mind reading. Trust me on this. When you are certain you know what she is thinking, feeling, wanting or not wanting, fact check. Believe her if she says you are misunderstanding her, or that what you are perceiving is wrong. They are her thoughts and feelings, so she really does have the final say about what is true for her. Even if she changes her mind later, believe her now. Focus on your feelings and thoughts, share those, and let her do the same when she’s ready.

#3 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Keep Your Friends, Not Your Exes

Independence is the first thing to go in lesbian relationships. If you want your new relationship to be your best, invest yourself fully and cut your emotional ties with your ex.

#4 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Forgive

If you are holding on to resentments that occurred more than one year ago, they have officially expired. Holding on to hurt as a way to protect yourself causes more hurt than good. If you are choosing this relationship, then you are choosing all of it, not just the parts that feel good. Deal with old hurts and resentments then let them go.

#5 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Flirt with her

My research tells us that lesbians want to be having more sex with their partner, but a lot of women do not want to initiate it. In the quest to commit, dating, flirting, romancing and all the good stuff gets rushed and sometimes neglected altogether. Time to go old school on your gal. Romance her. Flirt. Let her know you desire her. So get out your pretties, your boyfriend briefs, boxers or whatever does the trick for her and show some interest.

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The Lesbian Drama Triangle (Karpman)

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Praise and Blame

The wisdom that can be gleaned from trees and their ability to simply be in the midst of changing circumstances. Drawing inspiration from a Buddha quote and insights from researcher Brene Brown, the author encourages readers to let go of blame and instead allow both joy and pain to flow through them like the wind. By adopting a tree-like mindset, the author suggests that individuals can cultivate greater happiness and acceptance in the face of life’s ups and downs.

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Struggling to balance pleasing your partner while maintaining your own sense of self? This article explores the challenges of navigating the power struggle in relationships and offers practical tips for investing in your partnership without losing your identity. Learn how to distinguish between your highest good and highest high, communicate your boundaries, and create a fulfilling relationship that works for both you and your partner.

Happy Lesbian 101 Workshop

The Happy Lesbian 101 workshop is an introduction to the most important ingredient of healthy relationships: self-awareness and self-expression. This is also known as communication.

Join us for this intensive one-day skill-building experience to develop healthier habits for better relationships.

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Lesbian Couples Quickies: Validation, Not Education