5 More Love Languages

5 More Love Languages

Five More Love Languages

Reflections by Michele O’Mara

I consider the five love languages, described by Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, to be essential reading for all couples. Yet, something is missing.  Read on to learn about five more languages that will help you communicate love.

I am a big fan of the five love languages. I actually used these five languages to honor my dad’s life when I spoke at his funeral (which you can read about here), However, I am often left feeling like something is missing from this universally-used handbook for understanding how to communicate love in a way that works.

It’s as if the five love languages offer wonderful ingredients (touch, gifts, service, words and time) and even insights about how to recognize which ones to use, and when, but there is still something missing.  Sometimes, you can speak the precise language your partner has taught you to speak, yet without the right dialect, it’s as if the message does not seem to register.  It’s no different, I suppose, then having all of the right ingredients for the perfect dish, yet the end product will vary greatly, depending on how much of each ingredient you use, when and how you include them, the temperature and cooking technique used, and on and on.

We can have all of our favorite foods, (or languages of love, in this case) but ultimately, it is a certain experience we are desiring – not the actual behavior.  What we are most interested in is feeling a certain way, just as we want our food to taste a certain way.  To simply touch her, talk to her, do things for her, spend time with her, or give her gifts – these feel like ingredients that are designed to create a feeling, to communicate love. Without the heat, the food isn’t cooked.  Without patience or timing, the food can burn or be undercooked. Without balance, the taste can be overbearing or underwhelming. Just as, when we behave in certain ways, the separate ingredients used to communicate love, whether we touch, talk to, do for, give to, or be with her, we may need heat, we need spice, we need timing, patience, and balance.

When I think about the most powerful language of love, I think of energy. love languagesFood is energy.  People are energy.  Love is energy. This energy is part of who we are.  Therefore, the language of love has to do with how we treat, manage, hold, express and exchange this love-energy, and how we mix and blend this love-energy with the others.

I posted a quote on social media recently with the quote that speaks to this, from a book called, The Tao of Relationships by Ray Grigg.   I’ll include a fresh version here.

Ultimately, we partner to feel a certain way.

Because of this, I believe, rather than asking how to feel loved (by way of a particular behavior), it is first useful to understand what being loved actually feels like to you.

What is the feeling you hope to experience by being in love with another?

It isn’t the action, the gift, the words, or the touch that we crave, it’s how we anticipate those things will make us feel that we desire. It isn’t the clean house, or the heartfelt card, or the passionate kiss, it’s the way these things make us feel. Therefore, the important question to ask the one you love is:

“How do you want to feel?” and “What makes you feel that way?”

For example, I want to feel understood, accepted, alive, inspired, worthy, playful and connected.  What makes me feel this way is not easily found in the five love languages. The ultimate way to feel love for me is less about these tangible things (words, gifts, time, service, and touch) and more about being known, sensing that she “get’s me,” and feeling accepted, and I need to experience the positive energetic and chemical connection that can only be felt, not described.

The magic of love is that it’s experienced so intensely, it can inspire and fulfill dreams, create hope, give birth to, and save, lives, soothe the soul, and so much more. Yet we can not see it, the actual love itself – this powerful force, this indescribable ingredient. We only see what it can do. As with energy, we do not see the energy itself.  We see the shape it takes and how it is used.

Just as energy is inseparable from who we are, love is inseparable from the lover, the one who loves. I’ve come to see love as a part of the actual energy that makes us who we are. Just as we can not see the energy of who we are, we can see the physical form that the energy makes, and yet, the energy is more than what we see, and can be experienced without words or labels.  Love is a kind of energy.  Love is energy that can be expanded or contracted, grown or diminished.  Another question, (I do like my questions), is:

“How can we grow love?”

I think if I were to write the book, 5 More Languages of Love, I would describe these languages as personality characteristics; these languages are a part of the person, not a thing they do.  I would use the 5 Languages to describe the lover, the one who holds the energy of love, and how that love is experienced, expressed and grown.  Because there is no one way to love or feel loved, we all end up being responsible for teaching others how to speak our unique language of love.  After some thought, here is the dialect of my personal language of love.  I hope by reading this, you are inspired to consider your own language, as well as the languages of those you love.

For me, the most powerful love languages are less about what you do, and more about who you are, how you are, and the way you express the energy of love.  The following five characteristics of love, speak most clearly to me:

CURIOSITY

To me, curiosity is the engine of love.  It encourages engagement, sparks interest, and fuels an active desire to know and understand the one you love.  Curiosity is an openness to one another that does not base understanding on assumptions, stories, or projections.  Curiosity communicates desire. Curiosity says, “You interest me, and I want to know you.”

ALLOWINGlove languages

Allowing creates the feeling of acceptance.  Allowing is not permission to misbehave, it is permission to simply be who you are; all of who you are, without fear that you will be judged, criticized, rejected or otherwise disconnected because of who you are.

Allowing is how I imagine the sky is to clouds.  The sky seems so graceful and accepting of whatever the clouds may do – always a steady backdrop, creating room for what unfolds, and never can I imagine a time when the sky would say to the clouds, “you look a little too puffy today.”

FORGIVENESS

Because we are human, we are certain to make mistakes.  Forgiving is the safety net of love.  It is like a trampoline of sorts, offering a kind landing if we should falter, and just enough oomph to help us back up.  To be forgiving is to ensure there is enough wiggle room to make mistakes, learn how to do it better next time, and feel better for having had the opportunity to learn.

KINDNESS

The sentiment I am trying to capture here is hard to put into just one word – it’s probably a concept that does not yet have a word, and yet it’s one of the most important languages to me.  I feel most loved when I am in a positive, kind, playful, environment with laughter, silliness, vulnerability, and ease. It’s an energy, for sure, and like love, it’s much easier to feel than it is to describe. There is some way that energy speaks louder than actions, and for me to feel love, that energy needs to be positive and kind.

The one ingredient that seems to capture the essence of this part of love languages for me is a basic human kindness. Kindness is the sort of energetic vibration that radiates out to all beings, and it is consistent and true. Where there is kindness, oxygen seems to fill my lungs more easily, interactions go more smoothly.  Kindness is a form of gratitude, a gentle appreciation for all that is good by tending to the energy we pour into the world around us; a sensitivity to and appreciation for, the power of our own energy’s effect on those around us. Kindness allows us to breathe in hopefully and exhale peacefully. To feel loved, I need to experience a sincere sense of kindness in the company of the one I love. It is not enough that I sense their kindness toward me; trusting this love means I see this same kindness directed to others.  It is a way of being in the world, a part of who you are.

TRUTH (AUTHENTICITY)

For some, the sentiment I’m reaching for here is talked about in terms of loyalty, fidelity, honesty, or even commitment. While related, they are not the same.  To me, the characteristic of being true means that you are true to yourself, that you know and understand and love yourself, TRUTH IS ABOUT AUTHENTICITY.  In the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer, “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.”  When you are true to yourself, I know you can be true to me. The feeling this provides is safety and security.  If you know yourself, and you know how you feel, and it is deeply true to who you are, then I can trust that when you extend your love to me, it is true.  This gives me the feeling that, no matter what happens, I am safe with you.  The emphasis isn’t on ensuring that you stay, or knowing that you’ll never lie to me.  The emphasis is on knowing that you will live a life that is true to who you really are and that your first commitment is to you so that the you I think is loving me, is the you to whom you are most true.
Hicks Law?  Ask the Universe?  Law of Attraction?

Hicks Law? Ask the Universe? Law of Attraction?

What is all of this lingo?  Hicks Law?  Law of attraction?  Ask the Universe?

If you are new to this language, these concepts, and you are not a regular attendee at Abraham Hicks Workshops, don’t fret. Trust that you are on to some pretty amazing and life chanhicks law, ask the universeging new information, and follow the trail that unfolds before you. The law of attraction (Hicks Law) itself will insure you get all of the information you need, if you continue to stay open, curious, and full of desire to leave the safety of your cul-de-sac life, and listen to your emotional guidance system as it directs you away from what feels bad and toward what feels good, right and aligned with who you really are. You will know you are on the right track when you experience more and more moments of joy.

Speaking of cul-de-sacs, I grew up in Bloomington, Indiana, in nice little neighborhood on a cul-de-sac.  As a parent, I now know the inherent benefits of a cul-de-sac, and the value of these types of streets for keeping safe all of the wild children, who like to experiment with things like roller blading for the first time down a steep decline.  (Do people still roller blade?)

Cul-de-sac thinking is safe, too, in maintaining the status quo.  You have one way of thinking, it ends in the same place, and then you can circle back to the beginning of your thoughts and start the same thinking all over again. This is what people in pain do. They engage in cul-de-sac thinking. There is no room for new information, new perspectives, and new ways of taking in the same information.

For over a years now, I have been teaching a class on The Law of Attraction, (which is now available online as well as in person, if you are curious about participating in a class).  My classes are based on the information written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, with the help of Abraham (some call this Hicks law).  I don’t recall what led me to my first book by the Hicks, initially, but I do recall thinking that everyone should read it, and how just reading it changed my energy, mood, and gave me a hopeful lift with every new line.  The first book I read of theirs was titled, The Law of Attraction and I was hooked from the beginning.  Tthere is an initial chapter worth noting, that discusses the role of Abraham, and how Esther Hicks communicates with this source energy.  Personally, I feel indifferent about this, but some people reject this possibility.  If you find yourself doubting this part of the information, I encourage you to continue your reading long enough to see the value in the information itself, regardless of how it comes to be. How the information is sourced is irrelevant to me; the information is what is powerful.

There is an author, Andy Shaw, who has authored books on the topic of “A bug free mind.”  Though I have historically studied Hicks Law as my go-to resource for information about the law of attraction. I have read the books written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, well, and Abraham, and I am a big believer that I can ask the universe for what I want and need and the universe will conspire to support me (loosely paraphrasing from The Alchemist).  One of the tools Andy Shaw teaches in his books is the development of an “observing mind.”  This is the art of noticing and allowing, without judgment or story.

What this means is, when we allow ourselves to view our life experiences through the lens of curiosity, and approach people, places and things from a stance of observation rather than judgment, we are significantly more powerful.  According to author of “A bug free mind,” Andy Shaw, “Observation is power.  Judgment is weakness.”

As soon as we draw a conclusion about something, we stop observing.  As soon as we create a story about what is happening, why it is happening, and what it means that it is happening (or isn’t happening), we have suddenly put ourselves in a cul-de-sac, and all we can do is circle back from where we came and return to this story, going back and forth.  What we need in order to maintain an observing mind is an open road that continues to acknowledge, observe, and accept new information.

Think about every conflict, every disagreement, every argument you’ve ever resolved.  Did it ever get resolved because you proved to the other person you were right?  Unlikely.  My guess is that both of you found a way to see the situation with more of an open mind, and each of you found a way to let go of the story you had held on to so tightly so that you could see the situation from a new perspective.

Maybe because I am talking about the law of attraction, for example, you find yourself curious, wondering what this is?  Or that I reference Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks.  Is this Hicks Law?  And who is Abraham?  What does it mean to ask the universe?  Have you allowed yourself to be curious, or are you more inclined to stick with what you know and find new ways to recycle old information?

Do you want to feel better, starting today?  It might be worth joining me for a class on The Law of Attraction, or maybe you could start by exercising an observing mind, or perhaps you could think of something simple you desire, and simply ask the universe for it, and marvel at how quickly you receive exactly what you desire.  It’s not magic, it’s real.

Here’s a radio interview of me discussing the law of attraction with the hosts of Living on Purpose.

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