10 Reasons We Need Lesbian Couple Friends

10 Reasons We Need

Lesbian Couple Friends

On the first Saturday of each month, my wife Kristen and I go to the same breakfast spot near the courthouse where we were married. We have a standing date with our friends at 8:00 am. The first couple to arrive grabs our usual table. After big hugs and hellos, we spend the next hour, sometimes two, sharing stories over breakfast. We cover it all the funny, serious, touching, frustrating, problematic, or sad experiences we’ve had in the last month.

Like strands of sturdy fiber that weave in and out of our day-to-day experiences, lesbian couple friends add color, support, texture, and depth to the tapestry of our lives.

Sometimes, our friendships lose momentum, or life moves us in different directions, and we grow apart. Other times, important people weave in and out of the pages of our life. Like the spine of a book, our friends hold the stories of who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming.

When we partner or marry, our spouse becomes our person, our best friend. For many lesbians, our relationship replaces our friendships altogether. When this happens, we rely on our spouse/partner to be everything. We are best friends, lovers, companions, supporters, playmates, hobby-mates, workout buddies, companions, a two-person-book club, housekeepers, co-parents, co-workers, co-people, and so on.

The weight of this pressure to be everything to one another is difficult to sustain, and it’s one of many reasons we need good lesbian couple friends.

Research tells us that friends improve not only our life satisfaction but also our marriages. There are many reasons for this, and I’ve listed ten below.

Lesbian Couple Friends:

offset the impact of societal, work or family rejection and social isolation;
offer fun, warmth, enjoyment and camaraderie;
cheer our success and support us in times of need;
bear witnesses to, and keep safe the stories of our life;
encourage accountability and provide unconditional acceptance, relatability, and a sense of belonging;
give us new insight into the dynamic of our relationship, allowing us a different view of ourselves and each other;
let us see our partner independent of our relationship as we observe her interacting with others, appreciating her as an individual;
offer us a more comfortable and validating experience where we feel safe to drop our guard, feel less isolated, marginalized, and “different”;
illuminate our personalities by giving us the opportunity to tap into and bring to life different aspects of our personality in response to our unique interaction’s with lesbian couple friends
friends bear witness our importance to one another, which validates our unity and belongingness to one another

Number ten is extra important.

Without friends, some couples live in secrecy. Visibility as a same-sex couple in public spaces can feel unsafe, awkward, or uncomfortable instead of comforting, validating, or a source of pride.

Despite the legalization of marriage, many lesbians continue to conceal their relationship from public view. Grabbing her hand in public or greeting her with a hug and a kiss in a public venue can be an act of bravery. This is not a natural occurrence like it is for our heterosexual peers.

One thing (there are many) Kristen and I love about our Lesbian Adventures in Love Retreats are the friendships that develop. One of our Portland couples traveled with their two children to visit retreat-mates and new friends in Utah. A couple from Washington State signed up for a bike race in Iowa where they will be joining their retreat-mates and new friends from Illinois. Two couples from our Utah retreat enjoyed dinner together in their home state, Texas. These stories of friendship light our fire! 🔥

As we continue to grow this beautiful tribe of lesbian couples, we are discovering more and more about the healing power of lesbian couple friendship and the positive impact they have on our life satisfaction and relationship success. If you are interested in growing your relationship, expanding your circle of friendship and support, and having a vacation you will never forget – we’d love to have you join us in a Adventures in Love retreat.

To join us for a live Q&A session about our next retreat, reach out to us or join us on zoom for a casual, live Q&A session. (click here for that schedule).

In the words of Matthew Kelly,

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best version of ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves.”

This is true for your relationship, too. If you want to cultivate the best version of your relationship, spend time with us.

We know some fantastic couples you’ll be happy to call friends

10 Lesbian Couple Goals for Happy Lesbian Relationships

10 Happy Lesbian Couple Goals

Do you know the top 10 Lesbian Couple Goals to strive for in your relationship?

Whether you are in your first lesbian relationship or the same one you’ve been in for the past decade, this list of 10 habits of happy lesbian couples will inspire you to do better.

As you learn more about these 10 lesbian couple goals, whether or not you are looking at these characteristics through the lens of what SHE needs to do more of, or whether or not you are considering whether or not you show up with the behaviors needed for a deliriously happy relationship.

We all have a deep-seated hope that when we get in a relationship, we will automatically be much happier. Unfortunately, the 10 lesbian couple goals listed in this video do not come automatically installed in our new relationship. The only thing any of us can count on is that when we get in a relationship, we can change our status from single to partnered. Other than this new label, you’ve gained nothing more until one, or both of you, start making meaningful contributions to this shared investment called your “relationship.”

To experience the happiness of those who work to attain these 10 lesbian couple goals, challenge yourself to pick the one that you currently need the most help with, and focus on improving just that one goal.

Keep in mind, relationship do not take care of themselves, people do.

Cheers to deliriously happy lesbian relationships. I hope you are inspired by this list of lesbian couple goals, and you have much success in your efforts to move toward them.

Here are some more good reads for you:

No Common Interests in Relationships

No Common Interests in Relationships?

Sometimes couples express concern about having no common interests in relationships with their partners. Last week, I visited two large arenas in Texas (AT&T Center and Toyota Center) where I paid ten times more for my stadium seats than I would have for equally uncomfortable seats in a movie theater. From a distance that exceeded the magnifying power of my glasses, I watched very tall men who donned expensive footwear as they played a game called basketball. I didn’t do this because I love the NBA. I did this because I love my boys. And, because I love them, I have made it a mission to get them to every NBA arena in the US (and one in Canada).

As it turns out, I have no common interests in relationships with my 16-year-old boys. (Well, I guess it’s true that my sense of humor is well matched for a 16-year-old boy at times). What they love to do is often not the same as what I love to do. I don’t watch NBA highlight films on youtube, (unless Cameron says, “Mom, watch this.”) and I never play fortnight, ever, though I did play a new game on Mitch’s phone until he gave up on me for being so inept. <Sigh> I do, however, care that these things bring my boy’s such joy, and I do delight in knowing what interests them.

Have you ever said to your partner (or just thought to yourself), “Is it just me, or do we have no common interests?” If so, I can’t imagine it was said or thought as a good thing. I know, it’s pretty amazing how quickly I can pick up on these nuances, right?

Fortunately, research offers us reassurance that it is not essential to have common interests in relationships. Instead, what matters most is having an interest in what one another enjoys. In some cases, it is possible to find ways to blend your interests, without actually sharing the same joys. For example, if your partner is obsessed with birdwatching, and you love hiking, photography, or travel, there are obvious ways to combine these passions without sourcing your joy from the same part of your shared activities. In other cases, this may not work and what floats your boat may not be compatible with what floats hers. That’s okay too.

If you tell yourself it’s a problem that you have no common interests, then it is very likely that it will be a problem. The problem, however, isn’t the lack of shared interests, it is the belief that it is a problem. It’s funny how that works. We are inclined to believe that if we think something, it must be true. Silly humans.

Another key ingredient in happy relationships is to have a shared meaning.

Shared meaning is a mutual understanding of the purpose and meaning of your relationship. There is no right meaning, there is only the meaning that is right for the two of you. Often, the shared meaning is found in the little things that define your “story of us.” It is the end of this sentence, “We are a couple who…” or, “Our love story is …” or, “We make a great pair because…”

A shared meaning develops from stories about who you are as a couple, how you view relationships and what is unique to your partnership. Shared meaning is what gives shape to who you are as a couple. When you have shared meaning, you are on the same page about what your relationship stands for, who you are as a couple, and how you go about the business of being an “us” in a world where there is no one way, and no right way, to be an “us.” There is only the way that works (or doesn’t work) for the two of you.

When it’s all said and done, we all want the same things from our relationship. We want to feel loved, important, secure, free to be ourselves, valued, worthy and like we are enough just the way we are, and we want to be treated kindly and with respect and appreciation.

As for the boys and me, we only have 20 more arenas to visit before we reach our goal to see a game in all 29 NBA arenas.

Self-Protection or Authentic Connection

Explore the dynamics of self-protection versus responsibility in relationships. Learn how vulnerability, empathy, and personal accountability foster healing, connection, and growth, transforming self-protective behaviors into empowered and supportive partnerships.

The Lesbian Drama Triangle (Karpman)

Discover the Lesbian Drama Triangle and its impact on relationships in our latest blog post. Explore the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, and learn how these patterns perpetuate conflict and hinder personal growth. Gain insights into breaking free from the toxic dynamics, fostering healthier communication, and building more balanced relationships.

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your Relationship

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your RelationshipHave you ever experienced the situation where you say something, thinking it is...

Praise and Blame

The wisdom that can be gleaned from trees and their ability to simply be in the midst of changing circumstances. Drawing inspiration from a Buddha quote and insights from researcher Brene Brown, the author encourages readers to let go of blame and instead allow both joy and pain to flow through them like the wind. By adopting a tree-like mindset, the author suggests that individuals can cultivate greater happiness and acceptance in the face of life’s ups and downs.

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Struggling to balance pleasing your partner while maintaining your own sense of self? This article explores the challenges of navigating the power struggle in relationships and offers practical tips for investing in your partnership without losing your identity. Learn how to distinguish between your highest good and highest high, communicate your boundaries, and create a fulfilling relationship that works for both you and your partner.

Happy Lesbian 101 Workshop

The Happy Lesbian 101 workshop is an introduction to the most important ingredient of healthy relationships: self-awareness and self-expression. This is also known as communication.

Join us for this intensive one-day skill-building experience to develop healthier habits for better relationships.

Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples for Five Common Issues

Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples

Lesbian couples are different in many ways from their heterosexual and gay male couple peers. However, lesbian couples are not particularly different from one another. There are some very common issues among female pairings, and I will be offering Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples for five of the most common issues.

Despite the endless stereotyping about what a lesbian is, women who love women are impressively diverse. If you find yourself doubting that, it’s because those who don’t meet the stereotype of a lesbian go unnoticed. When it comes to lesbian relationships, however, we are remarkably similar in the types of issues we experience.

Unlike heterosexual women, lesbians do not have easy access to information about what a typical lesbian relationship looks like. Rare is the lesbian who finds herself in the break room at work, sharing stories about her wife and their relationship. Additionally, the experiences that heterosexual women describe are often not relatable for lesbians. For example, how many heterosexual women do you hear expressing concern that her husband is best friends with the girlfriend he had before he married her? Or, how often have you heard a heterosexual woman express concern that her husband is constantly trying to read her mind and worries non-stop about whether or she’s feeling okay?

So, here’s today’s Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples. Rather than putting our focus on the common relationship problems, however, we will get right to the fixes for these issues. After all, we move in the direction we think — so let’s think solutions.

#1 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Allow Your Partner to Feel

It is okay if she is experiencing sadness, hurt, frustration or any other emotion that you find yourself wanting to fix or understand. As long as emotions are not used to communicate something (that’s good old fashioned passive-aggressiveness), let her feel what she feels without making it about you. The purpose of our emotions is to alert us to that which is joyful, dangerous, missing, violating, or any other situation that requires our attention. When you personalize how she is feeling, you interrupt an important and necessary process designed to help her clarify things for herself. Communicate with words and behaviors. Feelings are not a verb. We don’t anger. We express anger. Clarify what you are feeling. Then communicate with words or actions.

#2 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Facts are Your Friends, Stories Not so Much

I am sure you have a superpower. It’s just not mind reading. Trust me on this. When you are certain you know what she is thinking, feeling, wanting or not wanting, fact check. Believe her if she says you are misunderstanding her, or that what you are perceiving is wrong. They are her thoughts and feelings, so she really does have the final say about what is true for her. Even if she changes her mind later, believe her now. Focus on your feelings and thoughts, share those, and let her do the same when she’s ready.

#3 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Keep Your Friends, Not Your Exes

Independence is the first thing to go in lesbian relationships. If you want your new relationship to be your best, invest yourself fully and cut your emotional ties with your ex.

#4 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Forgive

If you are holding on to resentments that occurred more than one year ago, they have officially expired. Holding on to hurt as a way to protect yourself causes more hurt than good. If you are choosing this relationship, then you are choosing all of it, not just the parts that feel good. Deal with old hurts and resentments then let them go.

#5 Relationship Advice for Lesbian Couples: Flirt with her

My research tells us that lesbians want to be having more sex with their partner, but a lot of women do not want to initiate it. In the quest to commit, dating, flirting, romancing and all the good stuff gets rushed and sometimes neglected altogether. Time to go old school on your gal. Romance her. Flirt. Let her know you desire her. So get out your pretties, your boyfriend briefs, boxers or whatever does the trick for her and show some interest.

Self-Protection or Authentic Connection

The Lesbian Drama Triangle (Karpman)

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your Relationship

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your RelationshipHave you ever experienced the situation where you say something, thinking it is...

Praise and Blame

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Happy Lesbian 101 Workshop

The Happy Lesbian 101 workshop is an introduction to the most important ingredient of healthy relationships: self-awareness and self-expression. This is also known as communication.

Join us for this intensive one-day skill-building experience to develop healthier habits for better relationships.

36 Questions To Fall in Love went viral, but does it work?

By now you have probably heard that there are 36 questions to fall in love with anyone. This idea was given a public platform January 9, 2015, in a New York Times article titled, To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This, by Mandy Len Catron. This idea went viral. It’s not surprising in our culture of quick fixes and fast solutions, that a 36-Question guarantee to fall in love would spread like wildfire. Who wouldn’t want to have that sort of love potion, with ingredients accessible to every last one of us…by simply asking 36 questions to fall in love, or make someone fall in love with us.

If you missed the original article by Mandy Len Catron, here’s a brief backstory that will help put this in perspective. In the article, Catron explained that she would occasionally run into a “university acquaintance” while at the climbing gym. In one of her random encounters with the climbing-gym-aquaintance, the two struck up a conversation. To her readers, she confessed to having had a pre-existing curiosity about him, saying she wondered, “what if?” after having “a glimpse into his days on Instagram.”

Wittingly, Catron found a way to weave into her conversation with this fellow-climber, a story about a research study she had read by Dr. Arthur Aron. The study, she explained to him, “tried making people fall in love” by having research participants ask and answer 36 questions. This study was published in 1997, and it is the original home of the 36 Questions to Fall in Love. Next she explained to fellow-climber, “I’ve always wanted to try it.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I consider this some pretty advanced-level flirting. I’m impressed.

Predictably, fellow-climber-guy took the bait, and responded by suggesting that they try the questions together. They met at a local bar over drinks. With iPhone in hand, Mandy cued up the 36 questions, and they passed the phone back and forth, taking turns answering each one. By design, the questions progress from less revealing to more and more personal. Clearly, doing this experiment over drinks at a bar, with someone you have an existing curiosity about, is significantly different than the lab research by Dr. Aron. However, the spirit of the research is kept alive, as Catron observes, “We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative.” She alludes to how the questions forced her out of her safe zone where she could manage how she was being perceived, and took her into territories that required greater vulnerability. As the questions intensify, the road ahead becomes less familiar, and this 36 questions adventure invites more and more self-disclosure.

Taking much longer than the 45 minutes allotted for Dr. Aron’s research participants, Catron and her climber-guy decide to do a suggested activity involving 4 silent minutes of eye contact with one another at the conclusion of asking and answering all 36 questions. Preferring more privacy than the bar allowed, they decide to walk to a nearby bridge, stand on the highest point, and exchange four minutes of silent eye contact. As Catron brings her story to a close, she reveals that she and climber-guy started dating after that night, and as of last report, they are still dating.

While it’s a more fun to think Cupid’s arrow was built with these 36 Questions, a quick look at the facts tells us we are going to need more than 36 questions to fall in love (and though I have 1,000 more questions if you wish to ask them, I’m not talking about more questions. There are great lessons we can learn from Catron, though, about how we can effectively improve our own search for love, as well as our efforts to nourish the love we have. What strikes me as important pieces of Catron and fellow-climber-now-boyfriend’s love story are these things:

Curiosity. This is how all real connection begins – having an interest in someone.
Reciprocation. When curiosity is reciprocated, the potential for a spark exists. It doesn’t work if it’s only one-way.
Vulnerability. This is the risk-taking part, that opens us to hurt, yet also forms a foundation of trust and intimacy for a relationship to grow.
Take action. To build love we must do something. Love isn’t a thing we have, it’s a thing we do – so to find it, grow it, and maintain it, we must take action. Love is a practice that never ends, because love is the practice and the practice is the love.

If you want to be an epic sparkster (spark starter) like Catron, here’s a challenge that will give you the perfect opportunity to take a risk to get to know someone better (or to better your knowing of someone you love) – THE 36 QUESTIONS CHALLENGE.

Speaking of practicing love, this recent Style video from the New York Times Modern Love video series, is a perfect ending to this post. Enjoy this quick video that highlights three long-term couples who ask one another the 36 questions to fall in love. Their experiences are captured in this touching video. You will see the unfolding of exactly how curiosity and vulnerability combine to make the perfect intimacy cocktail, and their answers highlight the fact that love is a practice, a thing we do.

Strategy 26: Being Polite in Relationships

According to Dr. John Gottman, being polite in relationships is one of the first things to go.

Dating brings out the best in us. We put our best, shinnyest foot forward, putting in extra effort to make a good impression. We are eager to please. Not surprisingly, we tend to receive the same in return. We experience our partner to be kind, generous in spirit, and polite. Being polite in relationships comes naturally when we first start out, yet for most, politeness is the first thing to go.

Eventually we commit. We settle in. We get comfortable. Well, maybe it’s not so much “comfortable,” maybe it’s that we become inattentive, or distracted. It’s easy to turn our attention elsewhere (work, family, hobbies, friends, etc.) when we feel safe in our relationship. We begin to notice more about what we don’t like, than what we do like. We begin to express our frustrations and concerns, rather than focusing on all of the things we love and enjoy.

If this negative focus persists without intervention by one or both partners, eventually, we run the risk of the four most toxic relationship behaviors to seep into our relationship. Rather than being polite in our relationships, we begin to be defensive, critical, contemptuous and all of this can lead to stonewalling by one or both partners.

Is being polite in relationships important to you?

Have you said “thank you” to your partner lately? Just because she loves to mow the lawn, that doesn’t mean you can’t be grateful when she does. Always say thank you. Every time your partner exercises an act of love, be it big or small, it is important to acknowledge and express gratitude for that love. Every behavior, action or contribution either partner makes to the relationship deserves recognition and appreciation. Have you said “thank you” to your partner lately?

Being polite in relationships matters. If you want to get a good snapshot of how your relationship is going, consider taking the Gottman Relationship Check-Up Assessment, Both of you complete a thorough relationship inventory and received detailed feedback about your strengths and challenges.

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