One of the things I love to do in my spare time is peruse new houses on the market, visit new model homes, and drive through new and different neighborhoods. And of course I also enjoy HGTV house shows.
Lately I started thinking about the ways in which house shopping is, and isn’t, like relationship shopping. I can’t help myself. All of my neural pathways seem to lead right back to relationships.
What I have come to realize is that shopping for a relationship has one significant advantage over shopping for a house. Dating allows both parties the opportunity to try the relationship on – to assess the other’s suitability as a partner before a commitment is necessary.
With a house you are pretty much expected to make the second largest investment you’ll make, with just a couple of visits, an appraisal, and a 3-4 hour inspection. You might seek approval from friends and family, then just like that you commit. No sleep over, no test drive, no mowing the lawn or cleaning the house to see how long it takes, and no trial run to see if your life fits well in the new house. Wait, maybe that isn’t much different than lesbian dating afterall?
If a house is the second largest investment, what’s the largest investment we make? Right – our primary relationship! And like houses, they can be difficult to maintain, and even harder to renovate.
The good news about lesbian dating though, is that dating allows you the opportunity to not only try on one relationship, but to try on as many as you’d like. There’s no penalty for shopping around, and in fact you may even be able to rule out some potential partners who are not comfortable with your wish to do so. Women are not houses. You are allowed to have more than a couple of visits, and a 3-4 hour inspection before you commit. The appraisal? Well, that’s on you. Which is why it is important to spend time dating.
How do you appraise a new potential partner?
When we shop for a relationship, we are looking for a partner with whom we consider suitable to share our life.
My Realtor is big on the importance of liking the layout of a home. He says you can change the colors, carpet, landscaping, and improve the appliances, etc… but the layout is the layout. I think the translation for this when it comes to dating is, be sure you are investing in the kind of woman that you like, just as she is. Do not invest in potential. When lesbian dating, be sure to invest in a relationship that is already what you appreciate and desire, rather than what you think it CAN be.
Unlike houses, fixer-uppers do not make good relationship investments. Be sure the relationship you are attracting is already good enough. Do not be lured into a commitment by the potential of what could be.
So spread the word, ladies. Share this public service announcement with as many lesbians as possible.
P.S. People are not like houses – so never, ever, ever invest in a fixer-upper, unless it’s a house.
The law of attraction is not a rule, or something you must follow, it is more like a truth that when understood, can dramatically change your life. It’s sort of like the idea of gravity. When you understand how gravity works, you no longer expect that something you throw up into the air will stay up there. It’s just a given that because of gravity, it will come back down.
The law of attraction says that what we experience in this life is the result of what we think, and how well we mange and direct our emotional vibration. This is an unusual way to think about ourselves – as vibrating – but because we are made of energy, and energy vibrates, we are all vibrating. The key, however, is to pay attention to whether or not your vibration is positive or negative. The reason this is important is because according to the law of attraction, the vibration you experience is like a magnetic force, and it attracts like-vibrations. Therefore, if your vibrational energy is negative, you will be attracting people, places and things that mirror back to you that same negative vibration.
Think about the last time you woke up in a bad mood and how that sets the tone for the rest of the day. When you are not feeling well, your brain is more likely to notice how every stop light is red, and the car is almost out of gas, and the people at work are overwhelming you with demands, etc. When you wake up feeling great, the opposite happens, you are more likely to notice what a beautiful day it is, how easy it was to find a parking spot, how much you loved getting a phone call from a good friend, etc.
What is the law of attraction teaching me?
The law of attraction teaches us that we are significantly more in charge of our vibration through our thoughts, and more powerful over our life experience, by paying attention to our emotions, than most people tend to exercise. While there are many different resources to teach you about the law of attraction, it is actually a very simple concept. What is difficult is developing a consistent practice, and fine tuning some of the skills involved in manifesting what you want, and keeping your mind on what is desired, rather than what is not desired. The catch is, you get what you think about it – regardless of what that is. If you think about what you want – you’ll get more of that. If you think about what you don’t want, you’ll get more of what you don’t want.
If this article, what is the law of attraction, interests you, think about joining me for a 12-week course to get yourself on the path of disciplined thinking, and learn how to keep your vibration at a level that allows you to manifest whatever dreams you can imagine. Truly. Here’s more information about my class
If you have a friend that might enjoy reading “What is the law of attraction” – be sure to send them the link to this article: https://micheleomara.com/what-is-the-law-of-attraction
What is all of this lingo? Hicks Law? Law of attraction? Ask the Universe?
If you are new to this language, these concepts, and you are not a regular attendee at Abraham Hicks Workshops, don’t fret. Trust that you are on to some pretty amazing and life changing new information, and follow the trail that unfolds before you. The law of attraction (Hicks Law) itself will insure you get all of the information you need, if you continue to stay open, curious, and full of desire to leave the safety of your cul-de-sac life, and listen to your emotional guidance system as it directs you away from what feels bad and toward what feels good, right and aligned with who you really are. You will know you are on the right track when you experience more and more moments of joy.
Speaking of cul-de-sacs, I grew up in Bloomington, Indiana, in nice little neighborhood on a cul-de-sac. As a parent, I now know the inherent benefits of a cul-de-sac, and the value of these types of streets for keeping safe all of the wild children, who like to experiment with things like roller blading for the first time down a steep decline. (Do people still roller blade?)
Cul-de-sac thinking is safe, too, in maintaining the status quo. You have one way of thinking, it ends in the same place, and then you can circle back to the beginning of your thoughts and start the same thinking all over again. This is what people in pain do. They engage in cul-de-sac thinking. There is no room for new information, new perspectives, and new ways of taking in the same information.
For over a years now, I have been teaching a class on The Law of Attraction, (which is now available online as well as in person, if you are curious about participating in a class). My classes are based on the information written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, with the help of Abraham (some call this Hicks law). I don’t recall what led me to my first book by the Hicks, initially, but I do recall thinking that everyone should read it, and how just reading it changed my energy, mood, and gave me a hopeful lift with every new line. The first book I read of theirs was titled, The Law of Attraction and I was hooked from the beginning. Tthere is an initial chapter worth noting, that discusses the role of Abraham, and how Esther Hicks communicates with this source energy. Personally, I feel indifferent about this, but some people reject this possibility. If you find yourself doubting this part of the information, I encourage you to continue your reading long enough to see the value in the information itself, regardless of how it comes to be. How the information is sourced is irrelevant to me; the information is what is powerful.
There is an author, Andy Shaw, who has authored books on the topic of “A bug free mind.” Though I have historically studied Hicks Law as my go-to resource for information about the law of attraction. I have read the books written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, well, and Abraham, and I am a big believer that I can ask the universe for what I want and need and the universe will conspire to support me (loosely paraphrasing from The Alchemist). One of the tools Andy Shaw teaches in his books is the development of an “observing mind.” This is the art of noticing and allowing, without judgment or story.
What this means is, when we allow ourselves to view our life experiences through the lens of curiosity, and approach people, places and things from a stance of observation rather than judgment, we are significantly more powerful. According to author of “A bug free mind,” Andy Shaw, “Observation is power. Judgment is weakness.”
As soon as we draw a conclusion about something, we stop observing. As soon as we create a story about what is happening, why it is happening, and what it means that it is happening (or isn’t happening), we have suddenly put ourselves in a cul-de-sac, and all we can do is circle back from where we came and return to this story, going back and forth. What we need in order to maintain an observing mind is an open road that continues to acknowledge, observe, and accept new information.
Think about every conflict, every disagreement, every argument you’ve ever resolved. Did it ever get resolved because you proved to the other person you were right? Unlikely. My guess is that both of you found a way to see the situation with more of an open mind, and each of you found a way to let go of the story you had held on to so tightly so that you could see the situation from a new perspective.
Maybe because I am talking about the law of attraction, for example, you find yourself curious, wondering what this is? Or that I reference Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks. Is this Hicks Law? And who is Abraham? What does it mean to ask the universe? Have you allowed yourself to be curious, or are you more inclined to stick with what you know and find new ways to recycle old information?
Do you want to feel better, starting today? It might be worth joining me for a class on The Law of Attraction, or maybe you could start by exercising an observing mind, or perhaps you could think of something simple you desire, and simply ask the universe for it, and marvel at how quickly you receive exactly what you desire. It’s not magic, it’s real.
Here’s a radio interview of me discussing the law of attraction with the hosts of Living on Purpose.
My practice is built around the concept of ABSOLUTE ACCEPTANCE. I believe that everyone who steps in my office (be that in person or online) is already exactly as he or she should be. I think because of this philosophy, I attract a lot of couples (heterosexual couples, mixed orientation couples, polyamorous couples, open relationships, and other non-traditional couples) because there is no “wrong” way to be in a relationship. There is only a way that works for the partners in the relationship, and a way that doesn’t work for the partners in a relationship. My only goal in couples work is to be a resource to your relationship that can assist you in getting your individual and relationships met in a way that works for everyone.I do not believe that I, nor anyone else, can tell you what those needs are, I can only help you get clear about where to put your energy and focus to create the changes you desire.
Thanks to the Law of Attraction, I do not believe that we will ever improve our condition by a concentrated focus on all that is wrong in our world. When something feels bad, it is simply a signal to help guide us toward what feels good. It is not the thing that makes us feel bad that deserves our focus, it is the the thing that deserves our gratitude for pointing us in the direction of our truest desires. Behind every hurt or frustration is our desire. The value in feeling bad is that it reminds us that what we are what you are thinking, doing and feeling is off track. Our pain is our most valuable guide. It is to be honored and released. When you go the doctor and get a diagnosis of diabetes, you will likely leave the office with two papers. One will tell you what the doctor diagnosed you with (and how much you owe for that visit), and the other will be a script for behavior change or insulin. Holding on to pain is like taking the papers home, throwing away the script for change, and framing the diagnosis and hanging it on your wall.
For those of you familiar with the life coach and author, Byron Katie (Loving What Is), everything in this world is exactly as it should be. You might be looking at something horrible, tragic, wrong, or even obviously and grossly unfair, and saying, “Are you out of your mind, Michele?” And, what I say to that is, “Hey! I didn’t say it, Byron Katie did.”
While I certainly do “specialize” in lesbian couples, and I actually did my dissertation on the topic of lesbian sex, I actually have a very traditional upbringing as it relates to marriage and family. In fact, I am the only non-heterosexual among of my immediate and extended family that I am aware of. There is that great aunt that seems a little suspect, though. 🙂 Anyway, my point is, I come from a family that does not divorce. Well, at least not many of us do.
Do you engage in regular and simple relationship check-ins?
I recommend that every couple set aside a minimum of thirty minutes each week to do what I call a regular relationship check-in. This is an important opportunity to remain mindful and aware of how your relationship is going. When you allow life to fill up your schedule, and you cease to make time to connect with your partner, it is easy for the months to accumulate and to find yourself so far down the road that you don’t know how you got there. Routine check-ins will help prevent this from happening.
Though there is no “right” way to do your check-ins, here are some guidelines to help you in the process of your regular relationship check-in.:
Summarize your feelings about how you experienced the previous week. For example, “I feel like we’ve had a great week and I feel really connected to you.”
Share your observations—both the good and the frustrating experiences in your relationship—about how things unfolded. For example, “I noticed that we were both taking more time to talk together and I think that really helped me feel more connected to you.”
Communicate your insights about how you can use this as information to continue improving your relationship. For example, “I think it would be a great idea for us really to commit to spending more time just talking because I really want to feel connected to you on a regular basis.”
Your Partner’s Turn Now. Once you complete steps 1-3, then your partner shares her observations. Discuss any differences in your observations. This is simply a time where you literally observe how you are doing as a couple and what you like about how things are going and what you would like to see be different. To make this a regular relationship check-in, it is essential to do this regularly, ideally on a monthly basis.
This time is NOT about:
being defensive or sensitive
criticizing or attacking
If you find yourself engaged in any of the above, chances are you have not selected the right time to do your regular relationship check-in, or, you have allowed too many issues to accumulate and not enough time to address them until now. If you can not find a way to engage in a routine check-in, you may want to seek some support to help you over the hump.
This exercise is designed to create a much more conscious relationship by being as aware as possible about the influences on your connection with one another and on your relationship’s happiness.
How often do you respond to your partner’s feedback?
Oh how I wish I had a dollar for every partner I have heard say to the other, “You knew I was this way when we got together.” Here’s the deal. Committing to a relationship is not an agreement to stop growing. Happy lesbian couples realize that each partner is expected to continue developing as a human being and improving as a partner. It’s how we humans are built. We learn and grow as we experience life.
Securing a relationship is not an invitation to stop growing. In fact, you might find yourself kicked to the curb if you are more attached to remaining the same than you are attached to becoming the best version of yourself possible.
When you fall in love, you fall in love with both the person you see in the here and now, as well as the vision you have for who that person will become. You are making an investment in your future, feeling solid about the person you are committing to today, yet anticipating that your relationship investment will grow.
Two key ingredients affect how you grow in the context of your relationship. The first key to personal growth stems from the personal observations, insights, lessons, experiences you have, and the work that you do to grow yourself. This might occur through intentional efforts such as completing a degree, advancing your career, staying physically fit, learning new hobbies, engaging in personal growth activities such as reading, journaling, or therapy. The choices you have to enhance your life are endless!
The second key to personal growth in the context of your relationship is through the observations, insights, lessons, experiences and the work that your partner invests in herself to grow.
Often, your partner will observe in you characteristics with which you are not comfortable. You may reject her observations and actually accuse her of being mean or insensitive. If you reject your partner’s observations and feedback, you are rejecting one of the most valuable gifts your relationship has to offer you.
Your partner has the capacity to see you in ways that no one else can. And when she communicates her observations, you have the choice to respond to your partner’s feedback and grow. Because of this front-row view into your life, your partner is able to mirror for you, parts of yourself that you do not always want to see. You may hear complaints such as: “you are too generous,” “you work too much,” “you need to stop drinking so much,” “you are sleeping too much,” but in reality, these observations are invitations to improve your life. When you respond to your partner’s feedback, you are accepting an invitation to grow.
These invitations don’t always come in nice envelopes; sometimes they are wrapped in emotions such as anger, frustration, and disappointment. If the delivery of this feedback is insensitive, it can be hurtful. Though the facts usually remain, there are areas of your life that are in dire need of improvement. You can resist out of spite, hurt, or anger; or you can grab a hold of this gift, the gift of honest feedback, and use it to improve your life.
The question I encourage you to ask yourself, when your partner makes a request of you, is this: “Will doing this add to, or take away from my life?” If the answer is “add to” then it seems like a win-win. What do you have to lose?
If you are struggling with the concept of what “taking away” from you means, you can ask yourself this question: “If I honor this request, you are accepting an invitation to grow and work to change in the ways my partner is asking me to, am I compromising a core value that defines who I am and what I am about?” This helps separate the things that you simply don’t want to do—like clean the house or take out the trash—from things that take away from your core values or your core sense of self, such as asking you to change your religion to hers.
Be sure to clarify the difference between something that doesn’t feel good, and something that is not good for you. If you choose to respond to your partner’s feedback, you are accepting an invitation to grow. changing because it is no fun or you don’t like to do something, then you are likely rejecting an important opportunity to become a better version of yourself!