Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Navigating Identity, Boundaries and Power Struggles in Lesbian Relationships

A relationship is an investment that requires us to know ourselves well. If we don’t have a clear understanding of who we are, what we need, and where we want to go in life, we risk losing our sense of identity in the relationship and losing yourself. However, when we invest wisely, a relationship can be a source of strength and support that allows us to grow and thrive without losing yourself.

One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is the power struggle, which can make it difficult to navigate this stage while maintaining our independence and personal integrity without losing yourself.

In an outstanding relationship, both partners work to ensure that their needs are met without sacrificing the needs of the relationship or losing yourself. This requires us to evaluate the requests made of us by our partners and determine whether they are in our best interests or not.

Sometimes, we confuse our highest high with our highest good. Our highest high is what feels good in the moment, while our highest good is what moves us closer to being the person we want to be without losing yourself. It’s important to distinguish between these two things and prioritize our highest good over our highest high in order to maintain our sense of self and avoid losing yourself.

If your partner has made a request of you recently, take a moment to consider whether it aligns with your highest good and whether you can accommodate their request without losing yourself. If it does, then you should consider making changes to accommodate their request. If it doesn’t, then you need to communicate your boundaries and work with your partner to find a compromise that works for both of you without losing yourself.

Your challenge is to identify the top three requests that you commonly hear from your partner. Then, choose one thing from that list that you can start doing differently today without losing yourself. By prioritizing your highest good and communicating your boundaries, you can create a stronger and more fulfilling relationship without losing yourself.

Self-Protection or Authentic Connection

Explore the dynamics of self-protection versus responsibility in relationships. Learn how vulnerability, empathy, and personal accountability foster healing, connection, and growth, transforming self-protective behaviors into empowered and supportive partnerships.

The Lesbian Drama Triangle (Karpman)

Discover the Lesbian Drama Triangle and its impact on relationships in our latest blog post. Explore the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, and learn how these patterns perpetuate conflict and hinder personal growth. Gain insights into breaking free from the toxic dynamics, fostering healthier communication, and building more balanced relationships.

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your Relationship

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your RelationshipHave you ever experienced the situation where you say something, thinking it is...

Praise and Blame

The wisdom that can be gleaned from trees and their ability to simply be in the midst of changing circumstances. Drawing inspiration from a Buddha quote and insights from researcher Brene Brown, the author encourages readers to let go of blame and instead allow both joy and pain to flow through them like the wind. By adopting a tree-like mindset, the author suggests that individuals can cultivate greater happiness and acceptance in the face of life’s ups and downs.

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Struggling to balance pleasing your partner while maintaining your own sense of self? This article explores the challenges of navigating the power struggle in relationships and offers practical tips for investing in your partnership without losing your identity. Learn how to distinguish between your highest good and highest high, communicate your boundaries, and create a fulfilling relationship that works for both you and your partner.

Happy Lesbian 101 Workshop

The Happy Lesbian 101 workshop is an introduction to the most important ingredient of healthy relationships: self-awareness and self-expression. This is also known as communication.

Join us for this intensive one-day skill-building experience to develop healthier habits for better relationships.

10 Reasons We Need Lesbian Couple Friends

10 Reasons We Need Lesbian Couple Friends

10 Reasons We Need

Lesbian Couple Friends

On the first Saturday of each month, my wife Kristen and I go to the same breakfast spot near the courthouse where we were married. We have a standing date with our friends at 8:00 am. The first couple to arrive grabs our usual table. After big hugs and hellos, we spend the next hour, sometimes two, sharing stories over breakfast. We cover it all the funny, serious, touching, frustrating, problematic, or sad experiences we’ve had in the last month.

Like strands of sturdy fiber that weave in and out of our day-to-day experiences, lesbian couple friends add color, support, texture, and depth to the tapestry of our lives.

Sometimes, our friendships lose momentum, or life moves us in different directions, and we grow apart. Other times, important people weave in and out of the pages of our life. Like the spine of a book, our friends hold the stories of who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming.

When we partner or marry, our spouse becomes our person, our best friend. For many lesbians, our relationship replaces our friendships altogether. When this happens, we rely on our spouse/partner to be everything. We are best friends, lovers, companions, supporters, playmates, hobby-mates, workout buddies, companions, a two-person-book club, housekeepers, co-parents, co-workers, co-people, and so on.

The weight of this pressure to be everything to one another is difficult to sustain, and it’s one of many reasons we need good lesbian couple friends.

Research tells us that friends improve not only our life satisfaction but also our marriages. There are many reasons for this, and I’ve listed ten below.

Lesbian Couple Friends:

  1. offset the impact of societal, work or family rejection and social isolation;
  2. offer fun, warmth, enjoyment and camaraderie;
  3. cheer our success and support us in times of need;
  4. bear witnesses to, and keep safe the stories of our life;
  5. encourage accountability and provide unconditional acceptance, relatability, and a sense of belonging;
  6. give us new insight into the dynamic of our relationship, allowing us a different view of ourselves and each other;
  7. let us see our partner independent of our relationship as we observe her interacting with others, appreciating her as an individual;
  8. offer us a more comfortable and validating experience where we feel safe to drop our guard, feel less isolated, marginalized, and “different”;
  9. illuminate our personalities by giving us the opportunity to tap into and bring to life different aspects of our personality in response to our unique interaction’s with lesbian couple friends 
  10. friends bear witness our importance to one another, which validates our unity and belongingness to one another

Number ten is extra important. 

Without friends, some couples live in secrecy.  Visibility as a same-sex couple in public spaces can feel unsafe, awkward, or uncomfortable instead of comforting, validating, or a source of pride.

Despite the legalization of marriage, many lesbians continue to conceal their relationship from public view. Grabbing her hand in public or greeting her with a hug and a kiss in a public venue can be an act of bravery. This is not a natural occurrence like it is for our heterosexual peers.

One thing (there are many) Kristen and I love about our Lesbian Adventures in Love Retreats are the friendships that develop. One of our Portland couples traveled with their two children to visit retreat-mates and new friends in Utah. A couple from Washington State signed up for a bike race in Iowa where they will be joining their retreat-mates and new friends from Illinois. Two couples from our Utah retreat enjoyed dinner together in their home state, Texas. These stories of friendship light our fire! 🔥

As we continue to grow this beautiful tribe of lesbian couples, we are discovering more and more about the healing power of lesbian couple friendship and the positive impact they have on our life satisfaction and relationship success. If you are interested in growing your relationship, expanding your circle of friendship and support, and having a vacation you will never forget – we’d love to have you join us in a Adventures in Love retreat. 

To join us for a live Q&A session about our next retreat, reach out to us or join us on zoom for a casual, live Q&A session. (click here for that schedule). 

In the words of Matthew Kelly,

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best version of ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves.”

This is true for your relationship, too. If you want to cultivate the best version of your relationship, spend time with us.

We know some fantastic couples you’ll be happy to call friends

Be Yourself: Why is this harder than it sounds?

Be Yourself: Why is this harder than it sounds?

Be Yourself: Why is this harder than it sounds?

On a recent walk, I rounded the corner in a neighboring hood, and to my surprise, I came across the most beautiful sight.  Amazing landscaping?  No. Gorgeous new house? Nope. A fancy car? Uhn uh. Don’t worry if that’s where your mind went. We are taught by our peers, our culture, the media, and eventually our friends and family what is beautiful.

We learn early to find the norm and strive for it so that we can feel a sense of belonging so that we do not feel alone. I call this norm-seeking.be yourself

The pressure to fit in starts early. The challenge to be yourself starts early in life. Earlier than you might think.

The beautiful sight I saw was a woman playing basketball.  Not just any woman.  A woman I would never have imagined.  I would guess she was in her forties, maybe older. She also appeared to be in her pajamas. This put a huge smile on my face. And, she was alone on a community basketball court. There was nothing remotely athletic-looking about her.  She was shorter and carried a little extra weight.

From the big smile on her face to the bounce in her step to the rather dramatic back kick of her right leg and twist of her whole body when she put her shot up to the basket, the whole experience oozed joy. There was nothing familiar about what I saw.  This woman, I thought, got the memo to be yourself, and she put it into action.

Having walked this path many times before, I anticipated seeing a group of kids shooting around, probably boys. Instead, I found this mid-40’s, un-athletic woman, alone. I do not associate pajamas with basketball.  In fact, I am guessing that being in a public space while wearing your pajamas is still only socially acceptable (for whatever that’s worth) at Wal-Mart.  Clearly, this was what she wanted to do, how she wanted to do it, and she was hurting no one, yet experiencing enormous joy.

That is my kind of beautiful sight.

I look for these things in my day.  They make me happy. Just like the lady that ordered a salad for breakfast.  (I didn’t even know it was an option – go to Panera if this appeals to you). 

Another beautiful sight was the owner of a custom home company who pulled up in his Jaguar to show me a house, only to pop out of his car in work boots, with his un-fancy jeans tucked inside of them, and a white t-shirt which was actually inside out.  I loved the irony, and more so his comfort in being real.  He had me at the inside-out t-shirt.

When we are true to who we really are, we are most likable.  Think about the one person with whom you feel the most comfortable to be yourself.  This person adores you, don’t they? Or, they are indifferent, non-judgmental, accepting. We are most likely to be most genuine when we anticipate acceptance, and do not fear judgment.  

When we seek the norm, we endanger our greatest strength: our truth and authenticity. 

What takes us away from our truth so easily?  Brene’ Brown, a popular shame researcher would say it is our fear of disconnection. 

We all seek love and approval to feel safe. 

The power of feeling rejected, feeling foolish, or not fitting in are great forces that work to maintain social norms.  We want to be connected. In fact, norm-seekers will trade their truth for acceptance. Unfortunately, there’s no amount of acceptance for who you are NOT, that will provide you with a feeling of connection.

To remedy this norm-seeking condition, we must know ourselves deeply, and be in touch with who we are and what we want.  This requires that we stop, look and listen – just like we were taught all those years ago to do before crossing a street. Only now, we are looking for joy, not moving vehicles.

  • Stop. 
  • Look around and notice what brings you joy. Joy doesn’t lie.  (List 100 things that bring you joy – it’s a great exercise and will reintroduce you to yourself). 
  • Then listen to how you feel. 

Make choices that are consistent with who you are and that support your highest good.  When you know yourself, and you are true to yourself, you cannot go wrong.

I think my dad said it best.  When I was about 13 and very self-conscious about fitting in. He said to me, “Just be yourself, and if you do that, everyone will love you as I do.”  Now I pass his wise words on to you.

Be fearless in your quest to be the truest version of yourself possible.  The whole world will love you.  And should our paths cross, I for one will be looking for that thing that makes you, you.

UPCOMING LOVE CODE♥︎  EVENTS AND RETREATS

[add_eventon_list number_of_months="6" event_count="6" month_incre="+1" cal_id="4664" hide_past="yes" hide_empty_months="yes" show_year="yes" tiles="yes" ]

How House Shopping is Like Lesbian Dating, Or Not

How House Shopping is Like Lesbian Dating, Or Not

Lesbian Dating and House Shopping

One of the things I love to do in my spare time is peruse new houses on the market, visit new model homes, and drive through new and different neighborhoods.  And of course I also enjoy HGTV house shows.

Lately I started thinking about the ways in which house shopping is, and isn’t, like relationship shopping.  I can’t help myself.  All of my neural pathways seem to lead right back to relationships.

What I have come to realize is that shopping for a relationship has one significant advantage over shopping for a house.  Dating allows both parties the opportunity to try the relationship on – to  assess the other’s suitability as a partner before a commitment is necessary.

With a house you are pretty much expected to make the second largest investment you’ll make, with just a couple of visits, an appraisal, and a 3-4 hour inspection. You might seek approval from friends and family, then just like that you commit.  No sleep over, no test drive, no mowing the lawn or cleaning the house to see how long it takes, and no trial run to see if your life fits well in the new house.  Wait, maybe that isn’t much different than lesbian dating afterall?

If a house is the second largest investment, what’s the largest investment we make? Right – our primary relationship!  And like houses, they can be difficult to maintain, and even harder to renovate.

The good news about lesbian dating though, is that dating allows you the opportunity to not only try on one relationship, but to try on as many as you’d like.  There’s no penalty for shopping around, and in fact you may even be able to rule out some potential partners who are not comfortable with your wish to do so.  Women are not houses.  You are allowed to have more than a couple of visits, and a 3-4 hour inspection before you commit.  The appraisal? Well, that’s on you.  Which is why it is important to spend time dating.

lesbian datingHow do you appraise a new potential partner?

When we shop for a relationship, we are looking for a partner with whom we consider suitable to share our life. 

My Realtor is big on the importance of liking the layout of a home.  He says you can change the colors, carpet, landscaping, and improve the appliances, etc… but the layout is the layout.  I think the translation for this when it comes to dating is, be sure you are investing in the kind of woman that you like, just as she is.  Do not invest in potential. When lesbian dating, be sure to invest in a relationship that is already what you appreciate and desire, rather than what you think it CAN be. 

Unlike houses, fixer-uppers do not make good relationship investments.  Be sure the relationship you are attracting is already good enough.  Do not be lured into a commitment by the potential of what could be.

So spread the word, ladies.  Share this public service announcement with as many lesbians as possible.

P.S. People are not like houses – so never, ever, ever invest in a fixer-upper, unless it’s a house.

 
What is the law of attraction?

What is the law of attraction?

What is the law of attraction?

The law of attraction is not a rule, or something you must follow, it is more like a truth that when understood, can dramatically change your life.  It’s sort of like the idea of gravity.  When you understand how gravity works, you no longer expect that something you throw up into the air will stay up there.  It’s just a given that because of gravity, it will come back down.

what is the law of attraction, class

The law of attraction says that what we experience in this life is the result of what we think, and how well we mange and direct our emotional vibration.  This is an unusual way to think about ourselves – as vibrating – but because we are made of energy, and energy vibrates, we are all vibrating. The key, however, is to pay attention to whether or not your vibration is positive or negative.  The reason this is important is because according to the law of attraction, the vibration you experience is like a magnetic force, and it attracts like-vibrations.  Therefore, if your vibrational energy is negative, you will be attracting people, places and things that mirror back to you that same negative vibration.

Think about the last time you woke up in a bad mood and how that sets the tone for the rest of the day.  When you are not feeling well, your brain is more likely to notice how every stop light is red, and the car is almost out of gas, and the people at work are overwhelming you with demands, etc.  When you wake up feeling great, the opposite happens, you are more likely to notice what a beautiful day it is, how easy it was to find a parking spot, how much you loved getting a phone call from a good friend, etc.

What is the law of attraction teaching me?  

The law of attraction teaches us that we are significantly more in charge of our vibration through our thoughts, and more powerful over our life experience, by paying attention to our emotions, than most people tend to exercise.  While there are many different resources to teach you about the law of attraction, it is actually a very simple concept. What is difficult is developing a consistent practice, and fine tuning some of the skills involved in manifesting what you want, and keeping your mind on what is desired, rather than what is not desired.  The catch is, you get what you think about it – regardless of what that is.  If you think about what you want – you’ll get more of that.  If you think about what you don’t want, you’ll get more of what you don’t want.

If this article, what is the law of attraction, interests you, think about joining me for a 12-week course to get yourself on the path of disciplined thinking, and learn how to keep your vibration at a level that allows you to manifest whatever dreams you can imagine.  Truly.  Here’s more information about my class

If you have a friend that might enjoy reading “What is the law of attraction” – be sure to send them the link to this article: https://micheleomara.com/what-is-the-law-of-attraction

Hicks Law?  Ask the Universe?  Law of Attraction?

Hicks Law? Ask the Universe? Law of Attraction?

What is all of this lingo?  Hicks Law?  Law of attraction?  Ask the Universe?

If you are new to this language, these concepts, and you are not a regular attendee at Abraham Hicks Workshops, don’t fret. Trust that you are on to some pretty amazing and life chanhicks law, ask the universeging new information, and follow the trail that unfolds before you. The law of attraction (Hicks Law) itself will insure you get all of the information you need, if you continue to stay open, curious, and full of desire to leave the safety of your cul-de-sac life, and listen to your emotional guidance system as it directs you away from what feels bad and toward what feels good, right and aligned with who you really are. You will know you are on the right track when you experience more and more moments of joy.

Speaking of cul-de-sacs, I grew up in Bloomington, Indiana, in nice little neighborhood on a cul-de-sac.  As a parent, I now know the inherent benefits of a cul-de-sac, and the value of these types of streets for keeping safe all of the wild children, who like to experiment with things like roller blading for the first time down a steep decline.  (Do people still roller blade?)

Cul-de-sac thinking is safe, too, in maintaining the status quo.  You have one way of thinking, it ends in the same place, and then you can circle back to the beginning of your thoughts and start the same thinking all over again. This is what people in pain do. They engage in cul-de-sac thinking. There is no room for new information, new perspectives, and new ways of taking in the same information.

For over a years now, I have been teaching a class on The Law of Attraction, (which is now available online as well as in person, if you are curious about participating in a class).  My classes are based on the information written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, with the help of Abraham (some call this Hicks law).  I don’t recall what led me to my first book by the Hicks, initially, but I do recall thinking that everyone should read it, and how just reading it changed my energy, mood, and gave me a hopeful lift with every new line.  The first book I read of theirs was titled, The Law of Attraction and I was hooked from the beginning.  Tthere is an initial chapter worth noting, that discusses the role of Abraham, and how Esther Hicks communicates with this source energy.  Personally, I feel indifferent about this, but some people reject this possibility.  If you find yourself doubting this part of the information, I encourage you to continue your reading long enough to see the value in the information itself, regardless of how it comes to be. How the information is sourced is irrelevant to me; the information is what is powerful.

There is an author, Andy Shaw, who has authored books on the topic of “A bug free mind.”  Though I have historically studied Hicks Law as my go-to resource for information about the law of attraction. I have read the books written by Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks, well, and Abraham, and I am a big believer that I can ask the universe for what I want and need and the universe will conspire to support me (loosely paraphrasing from The Alchemist).  One of the tools Andy Shaw teaches in his books is the development of an “observing mind.”  This is the art of noticing and allowing, without judgment or story.

What this means is, when we allow ourselves to view our life experiences through the lens of curiosity, and approach people, places and things from a stance of observation rather than judgment, we are significantly more powerful.  According to author of “A bug free mind,” Andy Shaw, “Observation is power.  Judgment is weakness.”

As soon as we draw a conclusion about something, we stop observing.  As soon as we create a story about what is happening, why it is happening, and what it means that it is happening (or isn’t happening), we have suddenly put ourselves in a cul-de-sac, and all we can do is circle back from where we came and return to this story, going back and forth.  What we need in order to maintain an observing mind is an open road that continues to acknowledge, observe, and accept new information.

Think about every conflict, every disagreement, every argument you’ve ever resolved.  Did it ever get resolved because you proved to the other person you were right?  Unlikely.  My guess is that both of you found a way to see the situation with more of an open mind, and each of you found a way to let go of the story you had held on to so tightly so that you could see the situation from a new perspective.

Maybe because I am talking about the law of attraction, for example, you find yourself curious, wondering what this is?  Or that I reference Jerry Hicks and Esther Hicks.  Is this Hicks Law?  And who is Abraham?  What does it mean to ask the universe?  Have you allowed yourself to be curious, or are you more inclined to stick with what you know and find new ways to recycle old information?

Do you want to feel better, starting today?  It might be worth joining me for a class on The Law of Attraction, or maybe you could start by exercising an observing mind, or perhaps you could think of something simple you desire, and simply ask the universe for it, and marvel at how quickly you receive exactly what you desire.  It’s not magic, it’s real.

Here’s a radio interview of me discussing the law of attraction with the hosts of Living on Purpose.

Self-Protection or Authentic Connection

Explore the dynamics of self-protection versus responsibility in relationships. Learn how vulnerability, empathy, and personal accountability foster healing, connection, and growth, transforming self-protective behaviors into empowered and supportive partnerships.

The Lesbian Drama Triangle (Karpman)

Discover the Lesbian Drama Triangle and its impact on relationships in our latest blog post. Explore the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, and learn how these patterns perpetuate conflict and hinder personal growth. Gain insights into breaking free from the toxic dynamics, fostering healthier communication, and building more balanced relationships.

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your Relationship

Hurtful Words | 3 Types of Comments That Weaken Your RelationshipHave you ever experienced the situation where you say something, thinking it is...

Praise and Blame

The wisdom that can be gleaned from trees and their ability to simply be in the midst of changing circumstances. Drawing inspiration from a Buddha quote and insights from researcher Brene Brown, the author encourages readers to let go of blame and instead allow both joy and pain to flow through them like the wind. By adopting a tree-like mindset, the author suggests that individuals can cultivate greater happiness and acceptance in the face of life’s ups and downs.

Loving Her Without Losing Yourself: Power Struggles and Boundaries

Struggling to balance pleasing your partner while maintaining your own sense of self? This article explores the challenges of navigating the power struggle in relationships and offers practical tips for investing in your partnership without losing your identity. Learn how to distinguish between your highest good and highest high, communicate your boundaries, and create a fulfilling relationship that works for both you and your partner.

Happy Lesbian 101 Workshop

The Happy Lesbian 101 workshop is an introduction to the most important ingredient of healthy relationships: self-awareness and self-expression. This is also known as communication.

Join us for this intensive one-day skill-building experience to develop healthier habits for better relationships.