Survey Answers: How Do Lesbians Have Sex | Fisting | Threesomes | and More

Survey Answers: How Do Lesbians Have Sex | Fisting | Threesomes | and More

Lesbians answer the question: How do lesbians have sex and other personal questions 

how do lesbians have sex

It is not uncommon for lesbians to field random and often very personal questions, such as, “How do lesbians have sex?” I wonder how many heterosexual couples have been asked, “so, how do you two have sex?”  You might assume this is because everyone knows how heterosexuals have sex, but is that true? There is the obvious penis-in-vagina method, but does that mean that is all heterosexuals do and what they prefer? For the 75% of women who can not orgasm from the ole penis-in-vagina method of sex, I hope it’s not all there is to heterosexual sex! This question is just one of many that lesbians find themselves asked on a regular basis, so I created a survey to put these questions to rest!

The Survey Questions

  1.  How do lesbians have sex?
  2.  Is one woman “the man” in your sex life?
  3. If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men? (If this applies to you)
  4. How do you flirt with another woman? (i.e. How would I know if you are attracted to me?)
  5. Do you rely on toys for a satisfying sex life?
  6. Do you engage in fisting?
  7. Do you have threesomes with your partner and another person?
  8. On average, when you are having partner sex (not masturbation) what is the typical time of clitoral stimulation (or your preferred stimulation) necessary to achieve an orgasm?

About the Survey Responders

Of the 132 women who have completed this survey, the majority of responders are between the ages of 35-54 (66%), followed by 22% ages 25-34, 9% over 55 years of age, and 3% ages 18-24. Of these women, 64% report they are exclusively attracted to women, 20% state they are mostly attracted to women and some men, with 14% stating they are generally drawn to people, not genders, with 2% reporting they are primarily attracted to men and some women. All but one woman reports they are orgasmic. In general, research indicates that 10% of the female population is not orgasmic, so either the non-orgasmic lesbians shied away from this survey, or lesbians have special superpowers when it comes to orgasms. (I like to think it’s the later).

Question One: How do lesbians have sex?

The first, and probably most commonly asked question for lesbians is: How do lesbians have sex?  There are 132 answers to this question listed here for your reference. A loose summary of these individual responses reveals a common theme about how lesbians describe their own sexual activity. In general, the most prevalent response (58%) indicates the use of hands and fingers for touching and clitoral stimulation. A tie for the second most commonly reported answer to the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” is the use of sex aids (45%) and oral sex (45%). Penetration shows up less, with 20% indicating the use of fingers and sexual aids for penetration. Of note, 6% of lesbians said they simply do “what feels good,” and there were similar reports of communication, passion, and breast play. Very few (3%) included scissoring in their definition of lesbian sex, and even less (2%) included anal play.

Also, of note, a couple responders expressed disgust with the question, a few referenced that it’s the same as sex with a man, without the penis, and a handful simply stated their frequency of sexual activity rather than what they actually considered sex. My favorite response to the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” was simply: “very well, thanks.”

Question Two:  Is one woman “the man” in your sex life?

The majority of women (72%) indicate “no,” there is no “man” in our sex life. Some (14%) indicate that on occasion there is, and very few (4%) state that yes, there is. Clearly, how this question is interpreted can affect the way it is answered. There were a few people (10%) who preferred to explain their feelings about this question. The explanations seem to translate “the man” to mean a more masculine and/or dominant role in one’s sex life or the one who penetrates. Among those who expanded on their answers, there is still a little endorsement of the idea that one is “the man,” and my favorite answer of all is: “That’s like asking a pair of chopsticks which one is the fork and which one is the spoon. No, we are both women. Period.”

Question 3: If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men? (If this applies to you)

The majority of survey responders (47%) report that they do not have sex with women that look like men. As for those who do, (20%) selected the option that they “prefer women who appear more masculine, just as some men are more attracted to more masculine women,” and (16%) state that it is not about the gender presentation that they are attracted to, it’s the personality and other characteristics about her that she’s drawn to.

From the additional comments, it’s also important to note that many women are aware of the reality that gender presentation is a human-made concept and that in reality, as one woman said: “Those ‘looks’ are not exclusive to men. Just as women don’t OWN the rights to make up.”

As for the original question, then, “If you are attracted to women, why do you have sex with women that look like men,” it seems the answer has little to do with “looking like men,” in that only 20% of women report that they are expressly attracted to women with a masculine presentation. The remaining responders who do not deny attractions to more masculine men suggest that while a woman may have a masculine presentation, that is not the variable to which they are most drawn.  

4: How do you flirt with another woman? (i.e., How would I know if you are attracted to me?)

Sometimes it is assumed that if a woman is gay, she is romantically attracted to all women. Or at least that is the fear for some heterosexual women who might also be found saying something like, “I don’t care if she’s a lesbian as long as she doesn’t like me that way.” Fear has a way of impairing logic, not that lesbians don’t have a knack for also finding heterosexual women attractive. The point is, being a lesbian does not mean you will automatically fall in love with any and all women.  It simply means that when you do find “the one,” it will be a woman.

If you are wondering if she likes you, here’s what the women in this survey said about how they will let you know. Roughly half of the women (46%) will seek more time, conversation and interaction with you, and the other half (42%) will be more affectionate, complimentary, and use more eye contact. A small percent (4%) admit they are likely to be shy and withdrawn.

Some responders added additional comments. Two mentioned using humor, one likes to talk about sex, a couple others said they are very direct, one explaining that, “I don’t beat around the bush,” which gave me a good chuckle as I thought to myself, that’s probably a good idea, because someone might get hurt flirting like that, besides, how would you know if she even has a bush? (Ba-Dum-Dump)  One survey responder says she first becomes friends with her. Two others shared that it’s the “same as flirting with guys,” and two lesbians said they don’t flirt because they are married.  Though one of the married women did endorse flirting with her wife, “by smacking her on the ass and telling her how hot she is.” Lastly, one responder confessed, “I actually do not know how to flirt with women, or even tell if they are interested.”

5: Do you rely on toys for a satisfying sex life?

Sex toys, or as some prefer, sexual aids, are not an essential part of the lesbian sexual diet for 89% of the women responding to this survey. Only 11% report using sexual aids consistently during their sexual activity. The majority (52%) report using aids occasionally, 27% use them rarely and 8% do not use them at all. No additional insights about this were gathered from the comments.

6: Do you engage in lesbian fisting?

What is lesbian fisting? It is easy to visualize anything that involves a fist as being violent. However, in the case of lesbian fisting, this is a sexual practice where an entire hand is inserted either vaginally or anally. While many people associate fisting with lesbian sexual activity, only 76% of survey responders endorse ever having engaged in this practice. There are 16% of women who report that they do engage in lesbian fisting. Another 2% share they do not know what this fisting is. Some of the “other” responses include women who have been a giver but not a receiver, used to in a past relationship but not now or are “working up to it!” as one woman shared.

Before you set out to explore lesbian fisting, be sure to have a lot of lube on hand (pun intended), and position all of your fingers in a pointed position, pinched together (which is not the same as an entire fist inserted at once), and go slowly. 

7: Do you have lesbian threesomes with your partner and another person?

When it comes to threesomes, it seems that this is not a big draw for partnered lesbians. Among the responders to this survey, only 6% of women report that they have had a lesbian threesome with her partner, or with her partner and a man (it was not specified)  on more than one occasion and only 5% report that they have had a lesbian threesome (or a threesome with her partner and a man) once. If you add the lesbians who report having had a threesome while single, the total jumps to 31% of lesbians who have ever had a threesome under any circumstances.  A solid 58% of responders stated that they have not had a threesome with their lesbian partner and another person, and they would rather not. This leaves 8% of survey responders who have “not had a threesome, but would like to.” One responder added the comment, “we did once, and it was a disaster,” and another explained that she was in a relationship with a couple.

If you are wondering if that cute lesbian couple you just met wants to join you for a threesome, the odds are mighty slim according to this survey that you are going to get a “yes.”

8. On average, when you are having partner sex (not masturbation) what is the typical time of clitoral stimulation (or your preferred stimulation) necessary to achieve an orgasm?

The responses from lesbians completing this survey suggest that most women (34%) indicate that they need an average of 10-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation (or preferred stimulation) by one’s partner (not including masturbation) to reach an orgasm, and similar amounts of women (32%) state they can reach orgasm with 5-10 minutes of clitoral stimulation or other preferred stimulation. A few responders (7%) report needing more than 20 minutes. There is an impressive 23% of responders who report reaching climax with less than 5 minutes of partner stimulation.

Some women are self-conscious about the length of time it takes to climax, especially if she is partnered with someone who comes quickly. This bonus question is designed to validate the wide-ranging length of stimulation required for climax during partner sex. Most women can self-pleasure much more rapidly than they can with partner sex. Your responses may also vary from partner to partner, depending on different techniques and accessories used for stimulation.

As one woman commented, “Ok, this is not up to me…she can get me to orgasm in a few minutes or make me wait 15, 20, 30 minutes. She is in complete control and knows EXACTLY which buttons to push to drive me wild.”  Other responders clarified that they are indicating the length of time it takes for their first orgasm, but that they continue to have additional orgasms for another hour, and one woman shared that she continues to have orgasms for five or more hours after her first one.

Do you identify as a lesbian? Do you want to add your voice to #asklesbians?  Take the current survey here.

Got Questions?

4 + 9 =

12 To-Do’s for a Better Year

12 To-Do’s for a Better Year

better year
Twelve To-Dos for a better year.

____Make a list of 100 things that bring me joy.
____Tell (email, call, write) 3 people and thank them for being them.
____Learn how to train my mind to work for me, not against me.
      (Sign up for The Law of Attraction class / register here)
____Become more authentic and actually be who I really am.  (Sign up
        for Michele’s Brand New class – DML Radically Authentic).
____Do at least one thing from my 100 joys list everyday.
____Smile more.
____Leave everything (people, places, and things) in better shape than  
       you find them.
____Follow your gut.
____Encourage others.  (Tell my lesbian couples friends to attend  
       Michele’s Lesbian Couples workshop on Jan 13-14th because it’s
       just good for them.
____Give someone a hug everyday (be sure they are consenting)!
____Learn something new, anything.
____Be more curious, less judgmental.

This should get you off to get your life pointed in a good direction, for a better year, starting today. 
Gender Pronouns:  It’s good to ask.

Gender Pronouns: It’s good to ask.

What are your preferred gender pronouns?

As a gender therapist, I am aware that use of gender pronouns (he, him, her, she, his, hers, etc.) are critically important all of us, not just gender variant folks.  If you are reading this, and you identify as a male and look like a male, would you be uncomfortable if I referred to you as “ma’am,” or “miss?”  Say for example, I’m working at the local Starbucks and you are next in line, but you are not paying attention, and I start saying “miss,” “excuse me ma’am,” louder and louder, asking the person next to you, “can you let her know she’s next?” – and then you are tapped on the shoulder by a stranger, who is looking you in the eye and says to you, “ma’am, she’s ready for your order,” – and everyone around is observing this.  How would you feel?

Typically, it is an embarrassing thing to get gender pronouns wrong, for both the person being misgendered, as well as the person who is doing the misgendering. It is awkward and uncomfortable. The same is true for folks with gender dysphoria who are not yet at a point in their lives where their gender presentation matches their gender identity. Now, imagine a female-identified person who was born male, who is 6’5,” and is who is struggling to feminize her appearance in a way that the world can immediately associate as “female.”  In her mind, no matter how she looks, she will feel no different than the man in line at the local coffee shop, if she is misgendered.

Our mind identifies our gender in such a way that it is an uncomfortable experience for many transgender persons to be referred to with incorrect gender pronouns (misgendered) even when they are not out to the world, and they are not asking for or expecting correct pronouns.  Their discomfort is simply private; no one knows – except the female-identified person inside the male body who cringes with embarrassment with each misgendering. While she may not be ready to expose her true gender to the world yet (likely for fear of rejection and disconnection from loved ones and associations), she still suffers the pain of misgendering.

What can we do to help her, and other’s like her?  We can work to make our world a more gender-friendly place.

Advocating with Gender Pronouns

It’s uncomfortable to not know what a person’s gender is.  What do you do when you don’t know which gender pronouns to use?  If in doubt, don’t use a gender.  If in doubt, and you feel brave, or interested in participating in making the world a more gender-friendly place, the kindest thing, believe it or not, is to ask, “Which pronouns do you prefer?”

There is a common belief that it is rude to ask someone a question like this. However, if you are a person that embraces the diversity in the world, and you have a non-judgmental acceptance of the answer, it is actually quite kind to not assume that you know.  For example, I would never be offended if someone asked me, “Do you prefer men or women (gay or heterosexual)?”  The question itself suggests the the one asking realizes that not everyone is heterosexual!  What a concept!  To think it’s offensive to ask this question suggests that you consider it someone offense to be gay (or to be heterosexual, though I’m doubting that’s the case).  If you are comfortable asking someone if they are married, what is the difference between a question like that, and a question like, “are you bisexual, gay or heterosexual?”

Ask:  “Which gender pronouns do you prefer?”

Inquiring about a person’s gender is the same.  If you are comfortable and confident in your gender, having someone ask you which pronouns you prefer is not likely to offend you; you’re more likely to be curious about the question.  If you are uncomfortable with your gender, perhaps the question will bring you comfort – having the opportunity to clarify.

If you operate a business, or work with people on a regular basis – particularly those of us in “helping professions,” you can actually get into the habit of asking the question, “which pronouns do you prefer,” to everyone, so that it becomes common-place.

Gender pronouns on Email Signature Line

Another way to help make our world a more gender-friendly place is with your signature line on emails. On the signature line of my email, I not only include my name, address, website information and phone number, I also have a very simple line that says:  “she/her pronouns.”  I recommend you do the same, particularly if you are in the human service industry.  Some people will ask you about this.  You can educate.  Others will be comforted, and they will know you are a gender-safe person for them to be honest with.  This is a simple way to extend greater support, acceptance, and advocacy for non-binary, gender fluid, and transgender folks. I learned this from Dr. Gallagher’s Transgender Surgical Program Advocate, Nicole Jackson, who said she learned it from someone else… so see how this works… pass it along.

Gender Friendly Office Environments

A final strategy I’ll share about how to make your office a more gender friendly space comes from a fellow sexologist in one of my professional news lists.  He shared that his office is posting this information for all to see:

Our office is attempting to be more gender inclusive.

The staff will be asking about your pronoun preferences (Male, Female, Gender Neutral).

You may also hear us call patients Mx. (pronounced Mix) rather than Mr., Mrs., Miss, or Ms.
Of course, we will refer to you however your prefer.

This is a work in progress, please excuse our errors.

If you intend to be inclusive, kind and compassionate to all, regardless of their gender presentation and gender identity, these are ways to bring your intentions to life.

What are some other ways to be more gender friendly – please share in the comments.

What is the law of attraction?

What is the law of attraction?

What is the law of attraction?

The law of attraction is not a rule, or something you must follow, it is more like a truth that when understood, can dramatically change your life.  It’s sort of like the idea of gravity.  When you understand how gravity works, you no longer expect that something you throw up into the air will stay up there.  It’s just a given that because of gravity, it will come back down.

what is the law of attraction, class

The law of attraction says that what we experience in this life is the result of what we think, and how well we mange and direct our emotional vibration.  This is an unusual way to think about ourselves – as vibrating – but because we are made of energy, and energy vibrates, we are all vibrating. The key, however, is to pay attention to whether or not your vibration is positive or negative.  The reason this is important is because according to the law of attraction, the vibration you experience is like a magnetic force, and it attracts like-vibrations.  Therefore, if your vibrational energy is negative, you will be attracting people, places and things that mirror back to you that same negative vibration.

Think about the last time you woke up in a bad mood and how that sets the tone for the rest of the day.  When you are not feeling well, your brain is more likely to notice how every stop light is red, and the car is almost out of gas, and the people at work are overwhelming you with demands, etc.  When you wake up feeling great, the opposite happens, you are more likely to notice what a beautiful day it is, how easy it was to find a parking spot, how much you loved getting a phone call from a good friend, etc.

What is the law of attraction teaching me?  

The law of attraction teaches us that we are significantly more in charge of our vibration through our thoughts, and more powerful over our life experience, by paying attention to our emotions, than most people tend to exercise.  While there are many different resources to teach you about the law of attraction, it is actually a very simple concept. What is difficult is developing a consistent practice, and fine tuning some of the skills involved in manifesting what you want, and keeping your mind on what is desired, rather than what is not desired.  The catch is, you get what you think about it – regardless of what that is.  If you think about what you want – you’ll get more of that.  If you think about what you don’t want, you’ll get more of what you don’t want.

If this article, what is the law of attraction, interests you, think about joining me for a 12-week course to get yourself on the path of disciplined thinking, and learn how to keep your vibration at a level that allows you to manifest whatever dreams you can imagine.  Truly.  Here’s more information about my class

If you have a friend that might enjoy reading “What is the law of attraction” – be sure to send them the link to this article:

11 Erogenous Zones – Tips for Lesbian Sex

11 Erogenous Zones – Tips for Lesbian Sex

Tips for Lesbian Sex: 11 Erogenous Zones for Women that Every Lesbian Couple Must Explore

If you are a lesbian couple interested in tips for lesbian sex, or simply sexually active with a woman, this information about erogenous zones is a must read for you. Let’s start by explaining, what is an Erogenous zone?  This is simply an highly sensitive area of the body that, when touched or stimulated, will excite sexual feelings for the person being touched.

These areas, also called erotogenic zones, tend to have a high concentration of nerve endings which link to key pleasure regions in the brain and the genitals.  While there are areas of the body that are typically universally more sensitive for everyone, not all people experience “sensitivity” as pleasurable, thus you will need to explore and experiment and pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal feedback you receive during this sensual expedition.  Don’t be shy about asking what she likes, too!

When it comes to tips for lesbian sex, understanding the highly concentrated pleasure-sensitive nerve endings, the clitoris is the winner, hands down.  In fact, the clitoris is so fascinating, I plan to write an entire post about this little chickpea next, so we will not discuss this obvious pleasure center today.  While there are definitely more than eleven key erogenous zones for women, these are the ones I suggest you start with.

The power of these non-genital pleasure centers, is that when activated, these large clusters of nerve endings will often communicate their happiness to both the brain and the genital region while stimulating pelvic contractions.  Pelvic contractions heighten sexual tension, and are necessary for arousal and orgasm, and when you are able to build strong contractions during foreplay, you are ultimately able to help your partner experience a more powerful orgasm.

Starting from the top (as in the scalp), the following tips for lesbian sex will cover the eleven areas are worth paying special attention to as you venture into the land of foreplay.


    • The scalp has a lot of sensation and when you lightly scratch, rub or massage the scalp, you can activate pleasurable sensations. Scalp massages release the stress hormone oxytocin, often called the “love hormone.” The scalp has plenty of nerve endings and a good massage can get your blood flowing and enhance relaxation – a great antidote for tension and anxiety which greatly impede satisfying sexual experiences.


    • Ears are full of nerve endings, and areas worth paying particular attention to are a soft touch or kisses to the outer edge of the ear, as well as behind the ears.


    • The skin surrounding the edge of the mouth, where you would outline your lips with a lip pencil (should you fancy yourself a lipstick lesbian) is very sensitive. We have the buccal nerve to thank for this. Use the tip of your tongue to trace the edge of her upper lip, lightly, and see if she enjoys this sensation.


    • The entire neck is sensitive, and likely feels good with a soft touch.  However, the area between your jawline and shoulders is an strong erogenous zone.


    • The area between your shoulders, particularly the small dip where the neck connects with the collarbone, is very sensitive. In the dip, there is little fatty tissue covering the nerves, thus it is more pleasure-sensitive.
    • A light touch with your finger tips from one shoulder to the other, pausing in the small dips of your collarbone, to circle this extra sensitive area, may feel very arousing to her.

Nipple and Breast stimulation 

    • Breasts are very sensitive for many women, and spending time slowly exploring (with your fingers, cheek, mouth, tongue and lips) the entire breast, circling the nipple, and building a desire to have her nipple touched, can be a sensory treat for your partner.
    • Nipple stimulation activates a part of the brain called the genital sensory cortex, which is the same area activated by vaginal, clitoral and cervical stimulation. This creates a direct connection between the nipples and the genitals, which assists some women in having an orgasm through nipple stimulation alone.

Rib Cage to Hips

    • Move your finger tips, or lips, with enough pressure to avoid tickling, from the bottom of the rib cage to the hips and you will reflexively causes the pelvic-floor muscles to contract which increases arousal. The pelvic floor is key to a strong orgasm, so when you can get the attention of her pelvic floor, you are on the right track.

Belly Button

    • The belly button for some women is very sensitive and has a direct link to the clitoris. Neurologically, the belly button and the clitoris grew from the same tissue at birth, so they are neurologically connected.
    • If touching or licking the belly button is too intense, or not pleasurable, try moving a couple inches south (three finger-widths), and caress or even press on this area, known as the “sea of energy.”  Doing so is said to increase blood flow and release tension, both of which contribute to a stronger orgasm.

Small of back

    • The vertebrae in the small of the back contain sacral nerves, which conveniently connect directly with the genitals.
    • A gentle message, kisses, soft stimulation, or in some women a karate chop to the small of her back (hey, whatever works), can assist in stimulating pelvic contractions.


    • Running through our legs is the ilioinguinal nerve which, when stimulated, also has a desirable effect on pelvic contractions.
    • Try massaging the length of her legs, from her upper thighs down to her ankles, with special focus on the inside of her thighs (this is one of the must-explore erogenous zones for women) with the soft touch of your finger tips, or a gentle  pressure with the flat of your hand – depending on her response, starting at her knees and moving downward and back up again – repeating this for a while.


    • It has been discovered that the clitoris is located next to the toes in the female sensory cortex.  It is believed that when the toes are stimulated, there is erotic benefit in the female sensory cortex because of the arousal signals are received in a location in the cortex right next to the location the signals coming in from the clitoris are received.


If you are reading this article because you are a lesbian couple who is concerned about your sex life, you are smart to be doing something – anything, toward gaining tips for lesbian sex.  Here is another article you might enjoy on tips for lesbian foreplay.  lesbian foreplay, tips for lesbian sex


There are a lot of differences between male-female and female-female sex lives that go beyond the obvious.  If you are serious about turning your sex life around, consider attending one of my workshops, or do some online lesbian couples coaching or counseling with me.  Click here to schedule on my online calendar.


erogenous zones for women, lesbian couple, tips for lesbian sex

Lesbian Foreplay:  Part 1 of 2

Lesbian Foreplay: Part 1 of 2

I don’t hear much talk about lesbian foreplay.


I’ve certainly heard my share of people ask, “How do lesbians have sex?” And, I know there is plenty of interest in lesbian sex advice, and tips for lesbian sex, but I can’t recall one question, ever, about lesbian forplay, or advice for better foreplay, etc.

Typically, people tend to think of foreplay as the activities leading up to “intercourse,” which, of course is defined as the whole penis-in-the-vagina thing.  It makes sense that that this langdefinition is not functional for lesbian foreplay.

Defining Lesbian Foreplay

I wonder if this stems from the confusion about what lesbian sex is.  Do you think that lesbian sex and foreplay are often considered the same thing???  I hope not.  And, to be sure, I’m going to write about it today.  Here’s my definition of foreplay: the intentional pursuit of sexual and romantic excitement and pleasure without the immediate goal of an orgasm.  Play is the focal point; the best part of the word foreplay.  Play is simply any activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.  Foreplay is essentially, for-play, something done simply for enjoyment.

lesbian foreplay

Double Your Pleasure

When you take time to play, before you engage the pursuit of an orgasm, you can double your pleasure.  Not only are you multiplying the amount of enjoyable sensations you experience through intimate touch during foreplay, you are likely to also experience a much stronger and more satisfying orgasm when that time arrives.  And, who doesn’t want that?  Lesbian foreplay is a process of discovery, and there is no “right” way to go about this, there is only the way that works best for her.  The fun part is in the discovery.

Do you know where the most sensitive and pleasing (non-genital) area is on your lover’s body?  There is no universal answer.  What is arousing to one lover may be annoying to another. If not, I think you’ll find this article worth reading.

Embrace Vulnerability

Interestingly, foreplay often involves a higher level of vulnerability than the task oriented business of genital stimulation.  Foreplay is like bringing together different instruments and making up music as you go.  There is no particular goal or destination, it is a process.  With foreplay, we are exploring, experimenting, testing, tempting, toying, enticing, inviting, pausing, allowing, withholding, and slowly, playfully, enjoyably, building the sexual tension to heights that can no longer be tolerated. Sometimes we try things that don’t go well.  Sometimes we create awkward situations and maybe even make a mess if you involve food or oils, etc.  It doesn’t matter.  It is all a part of the perfect imperfection of learning to love and be loved  a little bit better each time you venture into this wonderful land of lesbian foreplay.

If you are enjoying the experience, you are on the right track.  It is a real turn-on to have a partner who sees your body as a source of great pleasure for her.  Get out of your mind, and into your body – feel your way through this experience and stay present to how her body is responding to your touch, and how your body feels with her touches.  If it feels good to you as you are touching her, it is likely to also feel good to her.  Foreplay is about synchronizing yourself with your partner, finding a rhythm and flow that works for both of you.

Though making love can occur in many different ways, most of which are not even sexual in nature, like expressing kindness, curiosity, understanding, compassion, and everyday care for our partner.  Foreplay is the touching, talking, and interacting that precedes direct genital stimulation or other activities typically involved in the pursuit of an orgasm.  Making love actually starts long before you enter the bedroom (or other love-making destination).


A clever spin on the word foreplay is choreplay, which highlights the importance of pleasing your partner in non-sexual ways (like doing chores) to create the mood.  One of the challenges for lesbians is in the initiation of intimacy, and the sooner you get started – say, when you wake up, the better!

  • Flattering.  Lesbian foreplay can start with words.  The more flattering, the better.  You look sexy in those jeans.  I love the way that shirt hugs your breasts.  I love how your face looks without makeup – you’re so naturally beautiful.  Say the kind things that naturally cross your mind.  Flatter her.
  • Flirtation. Wink.  Smile.  Ask her to dance while you’re cooking with her in the kitchen.  Make up songs about her and sing them to her.  Tickle, play, wrestle, or rough house with her (unless that makes her mad… it can have an undesired effect on some women).
  • Have fun.  Make her laugh.  Be silly, spontaneous, joyful, and playful.  Role play, pretend you are strangers just meeting.
  • Nurture her.  Comb her hair.  Give her a massage.  Bathe each other.

Consider the 5 Senses

When you think about stimulating your partner, consider the senses that she enjoys most.  Is she moved by music, excited by new tastes, moaning for more touch when you give her affection, delighting in your scent or the smell of a new candle, or is she drawn to the aesthetics of things, noticing color, shape and design?  Notice what lights up her senses and explore new ways to introduce her to a new sensation.

  1. Sight:  blindfolding will enhance all other senses, leave an erotic letter for your partner to find and read during her day, extended eye contact – gazing, not staring, send sensual pics of yourself to her, dress in ways that highlight the parts of your body that turn her on
  2. Sounds: read to each other, heavy breathing, moans, sighs, mood-setting music, whisper in her ear
  3. Smell: fresh shower/bath smell, candles, lotions, perfumes, natural scent, fresh breath, know what your partner likes,  Ylang Ylang, Jasmine and Sandalwood are all well known for setting the mood and stimulating our sex drive,
  4. Touch:  kitchen dancing, textiles, satins, cottons, silks, latex, (temperature – hot breath against skin, ice cube melting in mouth while kissing a sensitive body part),  sensual bath, wash each other.
  5. Taste:  cooking together, intimate meal, food, feeding each other, lip gloss.


Stay tuned for the part-2 post tomorrow on “The 11 Erogenous Zones from Her Head to Her Toes (literally).”


If your lesbian sex life has fallen off the grid, which sometimes happens, one of the first things to try is just doing it.  Literally just restart.  If you are struggling with feeling like she’s more like a sister than a lover, or you feel like your resentments grown too high, or perhaps you’ve experienced trust issues that leave you feeling too hurt to be that vulnerable, you may want to consider attending my Lesbian Couples Workshop for a jump-start on your relationship.