In my experience working with transgender identified parents, the younger the children are when you tell them about your transition, the easier the adjustment seems to be.  If your children are 3 and 5, this will be their new normal if you begin the coming out process now.

If you wait until your children are adolescents, they are going through their own transition, developing the secondary characteristics of their gender and their peer relationships begin to gain more influence on their thinking than when they were younger. Adolescence is a difficult and emotional period of development for most children, and adding this information to the mix can be overwhelming and you may experience a more intense reaction from adolescents because of their own developmental changes.

By high school, children can experience a feeling of betrayal, similar to when a spouse discovers a sense that their childhood was a lie.

It is my experience that it is also important to have conversations before you begin to make physical changes. Often, there is a desire to slowly introduce children to your preferred gender, in an attempt to help them “get used to it.” However, this can be very confusing and for older children, it can create even more anger and discomfort because they are aware that something is changing, but no one is talking about it.

Suggestions:

* Begin gender conversations with your children, (or if you are an adult child of a transgender parent who is transitioning, the grandchildren) – as young as possible. Keep the language age-appropriate, using more medical and technical terms with older children.

* Be sure to keep communication open and create a space for questions.

* Help children learn how to address their own friends and how to field questions from others.

* Discuss language to use when referring to you in public. It is very difficult for children to stop using “dad” or “mom,” and a conversation about this is important.  There is no right answer to this dilemma, and I encourage you to let your children find their own comfort zone with this.

* Be as sensitive as possible to the adjustment your children need to make. This can be a very slow process and it can include a lot of confusion and feelings of loss. Be patient, open, available and keep the conversations alive.

There are steps you can take to alleviate your pain. The first step I would suggest you consider is finding a therapist who specializes in gender care to talk with. I am happy to speak with you, and you can set up an appointment with me at omaratime.com. The other step I recommend is to meet other people who feel the way you do. You can look for in-person support meetings near you by searching online for “transgender support meetings,” or you are welcome to join an online support group that I provide at transsupport.online. Here you can talk face-to-face with other people in a video group that I host once a week. You can also chat via a text group available to members of transsupport.online. This is a membership service, but it is very affordable and based on what you can pay – the starting point is $5 a month, and you get to decide what you would like to spend. There is no commitment, if it doesn’t fit your needs, you can cancel your membership anytime.

I hope this information is a helpful start to get you on your journey toward gender peace. We are all gender artists trying to find a way to express the truth of who we are in a world that wants to mass-produce sameness. Be you… no one else can do that for you, and while it is an arduous journey to honor your truth, you deserve the freedom and peace that comes from accepting who you really are.

The effects of estrogen and the effects of testosterone tend to work at different paces.

If you are starting estrogen to feminize, what I have read and observed is that it takes roughly two years to maximize the benefits, and the pace at which you respond varies greatly from person to person.

Anecdotally, what I have noticed among the clients with whom I work is that there is a feeling of relief that accompanies the start of HRT, and in some cases a euphoric feeling, though others indicate feeling nothing. Initially, you will likely feel your skin softening and a shift in your emotions. Many people share that they are more sentimental and more emotionally responsive to people, life, events and even commercials! 🙂

Breast buds will begin to develop within the first few months and this can be painful. The amount of breast development you can expect also varies, though it is the exception that anyone develops larger than a B cup and an A cup is a reasonable expectation.

In the first year you will begin to notice fat redistribution and some changes in the way your face looks (a softening due to the fat redistribution), in particular.

You will also notice a drop in your libido or sex drive, as well as the shrinkage of your penis and scrotum. While you are still able to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm, you may not experience erections, your semen will change in consistency due to the lowered or lack of sperm development.

This should give you a general idea of what to expect. For detailed information, I have written a more extensive article here.